Category: animals

Q: What do you call a cat who’s joined the Red Cross?
A: A first-aid kit!

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought.

It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”

This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.”

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
“There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, “he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.”

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
“That was fantastic,” he panted.

“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.
“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette!”

An american, a russian, and a dane was discussing the differences between their countries. Pretty soon the general talking turned into general bragging about how terrific their respective countries where.
The Russian said, “Our navy is so big, that if we all sailed out at once, it would cover every ocean in the world.”

The American, not wanting to let the Russian get the better of him, continued, “Well, our Air Force is so big that if all of our planes took off at once we could cover the sky all over the world.”

The Dane thought for a while then said: “I once new a guy in Odense whose dick was so long that 17 parrots could sit on it at once.”

They stood for a while not saying anything, until the Russian decided he might modify his bold statement a bit, “Well maybe the ships wouldn’t cover ALL of the ocean.”

The American, feeling the need for honesty as well said, “Well, maybe the planes wouldn’t cover all of the sky either I guess.”

The Dane stood there for a while thinking, and finally said, “Well, in all honesty the guy I knew might have lived a bit outside Odense actually.”

One rainy day, a duck walks into a bar with a cheeky grin
on his face. He orders a bottle of beer. The bartender asks,
“Why are you so happy?” The duck replies, “Oh, I’ve been in and
out of puddles all day.” The bartender gives him his beer.
Another duck walks in the bar. He has sweat all over him
and he’s panting like a crazy dog. He orders a glass of water.
The bartender asks him, “Why are you panting like that?” The
duck replies, “I’ve been jumping in and out of puddles all day
long.” The bartender gives him the water.
After the two ducks left, another duck walks in the bar
with a frown on her face. She orders a glass of wine. The
bartender asks her, “Why are you so sad?” The duck replies, “I’m
Puddles.”

Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
A. Ugly sheep.

How do you make a cat go woof?

You soak it with gasoline and throw a match on it.

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her
loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties,
etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, “My, do you
look lovely this afternoon, madam.”

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she
sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. “Did you say
that?” she asks.

“Why, yes, I did!” he replies. “And may I add that dress is a very nice color
for you.”

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking
parrot, but also one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and
takes him home. On the way, she says, “You know, I am so proud of you that I
believe I’ll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?”

The parrot says, “Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place
on 7th Street.”

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for
dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the
building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches
down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She
leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back
out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, “Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such
language in my house!”

The parrot says, “Okay, okay, I promise it won’t happen again. I am deeply
sorry.”

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm
and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down
the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves
him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is
shivering and has light frost on the beak. “I swear it will never ever happen
again! I will never insult you again! I promise!” As he thaws, he looks up at
the lady and says, “I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what’d
he do, attack you?”

There were 4 monkeys in a tree.

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
– It died.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
– It was tied on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
– It got hit by the first two.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
– Peer pressure.

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human’s lap. If you can, arrange to have “Friskies Fish n’ Glop” on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, “But you always allow me on the table when company isn’t here.” Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn’t necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can’t be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human’s eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.

The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari.

The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.

The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.

The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.

The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.

The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-
6.

The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant.

The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.

The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep

I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice

For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside

I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back

For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night

I pray I’ll always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule

To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.

What do you call a cow murder mystery?
A moo-done-it.