Category: animals

Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A. “Dam.”

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whisky, you cow!”

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you witch!”

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I’ll kick your ass!”

Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says…
“For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!”

KAY MARTIN, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbours. But there were no chickens anywhere.

Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was coming from her own kitchen–coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier. “It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave,” she says. “It was so bizarre I just froze.”

As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away. Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the vocal chords were intact.

“Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing,” says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to squawk. She has not cooked chicken since.

Two British cows are talking. One says, “You heard about this Mad Cow disease?”

The other replies, “Sure, but it doesn’t concern me.”

The first says, “You’re not the least bit scared?”

The other replies “Not at all. Why should I be scared?”

The first says, “Because it turns a cow’s mind to mush and makes her delirious.”

The other says, “Good thing it doesn’t affect us chickens!”

What do you call safe sex in Australia?

Marking an ‘X’ on the sheep that kick!!!!

Q: Why is a dog’s nose in the middle of its face?
A: Because it’s the scenter.

A guy walks into a bar carrying a very talented octopus. He says as much to the patrons of the bar, and bets $500 that the octopus can play any musical instrument that the guys can produce. One guy accepts. He lays $500 on the bar, says, “Here’s $500 that he can’t play my trumpet.” So he goes home and gets his trumpet. The octopus looks at it, scratches its head, turns it over, then starts to play, the most beautiful sound anyone has ever heard from a trumpet. The owner pockets his new $500.Another guy says “Here’s $500 that he can’t play my clarinet.” So he produces the instrument, and the octopus looks at it, turns it over, then starts to play, the most beautiful sound anyone has ever heard from a clarinet. The owner pockets his $500.Another guy says, “Here’s $500 that he can’t play my bagpipes.” So he get his pipes, and the octopus looks at them, puzzled, then looks at them some more. He does so for about 5 minutes, then throws the instrument across the room and starts cussing. The challenger takes his $500 and his pipes and leaves.The owner of the octopus is furious. He says to the creature, “What the hell was that? You just cost me $500, you know.” The octopus shrugs and says, “Well I was gonna fuck it, but I couldn’t get its pajamas off.”

“Turtle Soup”

Waitress walks up to a man and says,
“Hi, May I take your order please?”
The man replies, “Yes, can I get the turtle soup please.”
The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, “Hold the turtle, make it pea!”

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”

What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the
other?
A bisexual!

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won’t feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.

Cats don’t hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don’t, so that’s all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They don’t care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.

On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a cat.

One cat just leads to another.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

You can always tell a cat, but you can’t tell him much.

Q. What do you do if a poodle humps your leg?

A. Shake it off.

Q. What do you do if a Rotweiler humps your leg?

A. Fake an orgasm!