Category: animals

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom. “Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?” the guy asked the bartender. “Sure.”, says the bartender. As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the cue-ball. “What the hell?”, the bartender exclaimed. When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says. “Guess what?…your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball.” “Oh god.”, says the guy. “Here there’s $20 and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I’ll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?” The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, “Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?” “He isn’t going to eat the cue-ball is he?”, asked the bartender. “No he’s over that.”, explained the guy. Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it’s ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut. “What innnnnnn the hellllllll”, the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner. The guy comes out of the bathroom. “Guess what?….your monkey just stuck a peanut up it’s ass, and then ate it afterwards.”, the bartender explained, still overcome by the act. “Oh yeah…”, the guy acknowledges. “It’s just that ever since the cue-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits.”

A teacher had a class,and she tlod her students if they answer a qustion then they would get a treat.So the teacher calls jimmy to the fort of the classroom. She asked the qustion,and jimmy answers the qustion right.
So the teacher tlod jimmy to
close his eyes and open his mouth.Jimmy did as he was told,and the teacher put a hershe kiss in his mouth.Then the teacher asked him if he could guess what she put in his mouth.Jimmy replyed no I don’t know.The teacher saids
Ill give you a hint.It’s what your dad always wants from your mother every morning before he goes to work,and before jimmy could answer a littel girl got up and said. Oh no jimmy spit it out its a peace of ass

What is another name for a masturbating bull?
Beef Strokinoff.

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY

A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in
Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports
bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was
flashing a knife at a security guard — which turned his petty theft into a
felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago,
Florida’s repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life
without the possibility of parole.

INSULT TO INJURY

An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison — for
shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a
pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the
man in the… nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but
changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops
ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons
violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence
for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a
violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away
for life. The man’s public defender calls that “ridiculous,” and says the man’s
injury is punishment enough.

HEY — WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?

A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience
store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob
the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to
hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside
the store… and called the police.

OOPS! OF THE WEEK

A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if
you’re going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the
original owner’s grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own
restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni’s Pizzeria in Calabash, North
Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A
refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach
restaurant — where cops found pictures of Ubbing’s grandchildren still stuck to
the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.

I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!

During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found
a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of
each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the
film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The
men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera
that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots
to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The
suspects were quickly arrested.

I THOUGHT THIS’D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY’D LOOK…!

A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he
blew his cover by applying for a job… as a police officer. The Connecticut
cops discovered the man’s fugitive status during a standard background check. He
had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police
called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints,
and served him with an arrest warrant instead.

AND FINALLY…

Admitting his 0-4 records are not impressive “on paper,” trainers announced
that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is
available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus,
killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He
nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train,
killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him
to be hit and killed. The new owner won’t be told of Lucky’s record — the
trainers say the dog might sense nervousness “and do something silly.”

The bear looks at the rabbit and says,”Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”
The rabbits says,”No…”

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a
jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third
worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:

First worm – dead

Second worm – dead.

Third worm – dead.

Fourth worm – alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t get worms!

Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
From chasing parked cars!

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”Man: “What covers a house?”Dog: “Roof!”Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”Dog: “Rough!”Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”Dog: “Ruth!”Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, “I’m gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down.” And he did! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said ” Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!” So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!” And he did! The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said “Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses down and we’re scared!!!” So the brick pig let them in.

The wolf caught up with them and said “I’m gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down.” While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend.

A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf’s mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, “Who the hell were those guys?”

And the brick pig said “Oh, those are my cousins …the Guinea Pigs.”

there were two hippos and they were takin a bath the one on the right says hey can u pass me a bar of soap and the one on the left says what do you think i am a toaster!

How do you tell if you have passed an elephant?
He didn’t flush.

Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A. “Dam.”