Category: animals

A little girl asks her Mom, “May I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom says, “No honey, the dog is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your Father. I think he’s in the garage”.
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you”.

Her Dad said, “Bring Susie over here”.

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s rear end with it and said, “Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block”.

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Her Dad asks, “Where’s Susie?”

The girl replies, “Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there’s another dog pushing her home!

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
~because it was dead~

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?

He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?

It was untweetable.

Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight?
A: Claude.

What do you get when you cross a shitzue and a bulldog??

A bullshit!

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up
farming.

He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me 100 baby
chickens.” The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.” The
co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500
baby chickens.”

“Wow!” the co-op man replies. “You must really be doing well!”

“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or
too far apart!”

On a farm the was a horse and a chicken who were friends. One
day they were mucking around on the farm in a paddock where
there was a big deep hole, which the horse fell into.

“Help me” neigh the horse.

“OK I’ll go get the farmer.” Clucked the chicken. And so the
chicken went to get the farmer but he could not be found. So he
went into the barn and got into the farmers new BMW and drove
out to the horse, put a rope around the horse and pulled him out
of the hole.

The next day not having learned the lesson the horse and the
chicken were playing near the hole again. But this time the
chicken fell in.

“Help me” clucked the chicken, but instead of running to get the
farmers car the horse lowered his cock into the hole and picked
up the chick.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If your hung like a horse you dont need a BMW to pick up chicks.

There’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird’s foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!”
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets angry and says, “OK for you,” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?”

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?”
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then said, “Anything else?”

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?”

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog’s neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.”

The owner said, “He’s not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”

“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.

The owner says “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.” The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”

To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”