Category: animals

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly,
Justin says, “Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie.”
Britney looks up at the sky and says, “Where?!”

A: To get to the Shell station!

Q: What do you get when you cross a centipide with a parrot?
A: A walkie-talkie.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A megasorass.

Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method,
which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended
for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the
“Cat and Duck Method” of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and
is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No
reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected.
Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.

Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and
are extremely simple. Here’s how it’s done:

1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains
upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which
way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.

2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact
that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is
only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.

There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering
to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will
surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.

1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be
necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.

2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing.
Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by
an inverted spin.

3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with
only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more
dependable.

4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are
using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks
are no better in IFR conditions than you are.

5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to
realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill.
Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will
descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to
follow in an airplane.

6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find
yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters
around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing
weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.

7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because
many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers,
geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.

Source:
GSP Digest #279
September 16, 1990

15. Angelfish Cake

14. Hamster and Cheese on Rye

13. Chow Chow Mein

12. Bran Muffy

11. Eggs BenjiDict

10. Yorkieshire pudding

9. Shih-Tzu Kabobs

8. Potbelly Pig in a Blanket

7. Shrimp Cockatiel

6. Fettucine AlFido

5. Chicken Poodle Soup

4. Turtlellini

3. Lhasa Thermidor

2. Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas

1. I’ll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet
rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the
examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments
tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and
not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down
next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet
looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead
too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head
to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and
says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much
he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

Q: Why wasn’t the teddy bear hungry?

A: Because he was already stuffed.

17> Store Finally Sets Price on Window Doggie

16> Salamander Planned Parenthood: “No Newts Is Good Newts!”

15> Hindenburg Crashes: “Oh, the Pigeonity!”

14> Administration Unable to Locate Bones Allegedly Buried in Terrier’s Yard

13> Missing Ant Colony Found in Pants

12> Survey: Let Timmy Get His Own Ass Out of Well

11> New Study Links Leg-Humping to Being Put Outside

10> Widow Devours Husband in Poisonous Web of Deceit

9> Weekly Outbreaks of Bird-on-Bird Violence Continue as Eagles Beat Ravens and Falcons Pummel Seahawks

8> President Bonzo Accuses Rivals of Poo-Flinging Campaign

7> Mr. Ed to Be Next Mare? Voters Say Neigh!

6> Study: Desire for Pussy Causes Late-Night Howling

5> Bitch Leaves Newborns Behind Dumpster

4> Johnnie Cockapoo Tells Montecore Jury: “For Biting the Twit, You Can’t Convict!”

3> Canine Honeymoon Dampened by Garden Hose

2> Hamster Offers Details of Spinning “Torture Chamber”

1> Huey, Louie, Dewey Defeat Truman

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Once there was this old man who was lonely. So he went to the
pet store to get a dog. But they were out of dogs and wern’t
going to get any more until the next millnium! So the man got a
parrot. But the store owner worrined him. “The first 3 phrases
he hears and likes he will remember.”
The man brought the parrot home and some boys were climbing in
the old man’s tree. “Get down from there or I’ll call the
police.” said the old man. The kids said”Baloney, baloney,
baloney.” and the parrot repeated it.
The next day the old man tok his parrot rock climbing. Someone’s
climbing partner fell into a hole and he yelled “get a rope pull
him up” and the parrot repeated it.
The next day the old man brought the parrot to a carnival. The
parrot heard someone yell, “Hit the black doll and win a prize.”
and the parrot repeated it.
The next day was Sunday and the man brought the parrot to
church. The preacher began his preaching. “God lives up there.”
“Baloney, baloney, baloney” yelled the parrot. The preacher
looked at him but continued. “The devil lives down there.” And
the parrot yelled “Get a rope pull him up.” The preacher through
the Bible at the parrot but it hit a nun and the parrot yelled
“Hit a black doll and win a prize.”

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?

A twenty foot cock that want to reach out and touch someone.

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half…

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

“Who made that tackle?” asked the ant.

“I did,” said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, “Who made that great stop?” “I did,” said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, “Where were you in the first half?”

The centipede replied, “Puttin’ on my shoes!”