Category: animals

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

A fly was 6 inches above a river.
A fish was watching the fly,
If the fly dropped 6 inches the fish would eat the fly.
A Bear was watching the same fly,
If the fly dropped 6 inches the fish would eat the fly and the
bear would eat the fish.
A hunter was watching the same fly,
If the fly dropped the fish would eat the fly, the bear would
eat the fish and the hunter would shoot the bear.
A mouse was watching the fly,
If the fly dropped the fish would eat the fly, the bear would
eat the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, and the mouse
would steal the hunter’s cheese.
A cat was watching the fly,
If the fly dropped the fish would eat the fly, the bear would
eat the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would
steal the hunter’s cheese and the cat would eat the mouse.
The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish ate the fly, the bear ate the
fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse stole the cheese and
the cat ate the mouse and fell in the water.

Moral:Whenever a fly dropps 6 inches You’ll always find a Wet
Pussy!

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be
bathed, that somehow they “lick” themselves clean. Contrary to
this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their
saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a
variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you
camped last year to the same odor as your dog’s breath.
(Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know
that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative
to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now,
this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a
trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and
total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size,
strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is
suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with
a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about
3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area
before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not
suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you
still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in
the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or
prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the
supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your
strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is
essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the
bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and
drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state
of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of
him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45
seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add
the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn
off and he’s madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder’s gloves, try to field his
body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If
possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now
fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub
vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the
glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water,
rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The
cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and
will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest
part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just
become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest
here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach
for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your
leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this
view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better
position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub
enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor
and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open
enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours, it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your
cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small
hedgehog while plotting revenge.

One day a man went to a pet store to buy his wife a christmas
present. “Can i help you?” said the pet salesman. “yes I’m
looking for a bird for my wife for Christmas. She love birds.”
“I suggest this one sir, his name is chet when you stick a
lighter to his right foot he sings.” so the man stuck a lighter
under chets right foot. He started to sing “Jingle bells jingle
bells, jingle all the way…” When you stick a lighter under his
left for he sings a different song. So the man stuck a lighter
under chets left foot and he sang “Deck the hall with bows of
holly…” Wow said the man I’ll take him. Christmas came around
and the man gave chet to his wife. She listened to him sing
jingle bells and deck the halls. “Hun, I love him,” she said.
“But what happens when you put the lghter between both feet?” “I
dont know lets find out.” So they stuck the lighter between both
of his feet and he sang “Chets nuts roasting on an open fire…”

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
“That is a very smart dog,” the man commented.

“He’s not so smart,” said one of the irked players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

* Cats rule. Dogs drool.* Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they’re horny.* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.* In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner’s choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks.* Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won’t even let you throw them.* Cats let you kick them when you’re stressed out.* Cats will wait until you’ve read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.* Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen.* No one has ever had to “Beware of the Cat.”* Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others’.* Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.* Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.* Why do you think they call it “Dog Breath?”* Garfield. Odie. Enough said.

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn’t very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her,” and “Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

“Well,” said Mike, “You’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the
male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father 5 years
ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father’s death, the male whale
says to the female “Let’s go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow
holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about
killing innocent whales.” The female whale agrees, and the plan
works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale
notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by
either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily,
the male whale yells “They’re going to shore – Let’s go gobble them up!” Just
then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: “HEY!”, she says, “I agreed
to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I’m swallowing seamen!”

Once there were three ants. They had no safe place in the house to live except for the bathroom. So first ant slept in the sink, the second slept in the shower and the third slept in the toilet…
Next day when they woke up, the first ant said,”I slept fine.” The second ant said,”I slept fine.” The third ant said,”I slept fine but first it thundered then it rained then a huge log fell over my head.”

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly,
Justin says, “Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie.”
Britney looks up at the sky and says, “Where?!”

there were 2 birds sitting on a perch one said i smell fish if u
like it email me at [email protected]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar tender turns to the grasshopper and says ” hey, you know we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper responds “why in the heck do you have a drink named Bob?”Chris