Category: animals

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!

q. What happened to the mouse when it crawled up the lady’s leg?

a. Her pussy got it.

The cow is so stupid, it said moo!!!!!

Mr. Goldberg went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in
front of the gorilla’s enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him
intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He
patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down,
the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on
one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were
copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his
eye. Mr. Goldberg rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing
so he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his
eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged
against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded Goldberg and
beat him senseless. When the zoo keeper came to Mr. Goldberg,
he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and
explained that in gorilla language pulling down your eyelid
means “fuck you.”

The explanation didn’t make the gorilla’s victim feel any better
but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted
his revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two
party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the
sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s
cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party
hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his
horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The
gorilla did the same. Then Goldberg picked up his knife and waved it
over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next he whipped the
sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla
looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and
pulled down his eyelid.

A huge panda bear steps into this classy restaurant. The maitre
is both astonished and amused; nonetheless, he is a man who
takes pride on doing his job right and sends a waiter its way.

The panda asks for some of the best dishes of the house: filet
mignon, lobster, duck a l’orange, soup a l’onion gratinee, the
whole nine yards. Then, as it finishes, it steps up and turns to
leave without paying for the gargantuan fest.

“Sir, exactly where do you think you are going?” Asks the upset
maitre. The panda turns around, not completely sure he
understands. “The meals you were served are still to be paid
for.” “Paid for?” Sneers the panda. “I belong to an endangered
species; you should take this a service to nature and
biodiversity.” “This is a restaurant. RESTAURANT! We feed you
and you pay for it. That is the way it works. Look it up in a
dictionary if you want to!”

To his surprise, the panda brings up a dictionary from between
his skin folds and reads, “Restaurant: a business establishment
where meals or refreshments may be bought. Hmmm. But even if
you’re right,” the panda says as it brings up a .357 Smith &
Wesson and shoots the maitre on his leg an runs away, “I’m a
panda. Look it up in the dictionary if you want to!”

Later on, at the hospital, the injured maitre remembers what the
panda said and asks for a dictionary to look for the word
“panda.” It read: “Panda: a large black-and-white mammal of
chiefly central China now usually classified with the bears.
Eats shoots and leaves.”

Why don’t more elephants go to college?
Not too many elephants finish high school.

Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear”You’ve Got Mail!” Can’t stick their heads out of Windows95 Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome. Too difficult to “mark” every Web site they visit. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver. Too hard to read the screen with head cocked to one side. ‘Cause dogs aren’t GEEKS!

I took my dog to the Vets the other day and told him that he had bad eyes.

The Vet picked up the dog to have a look and said “I’m going to have to put him down”.

“but why” I said he said he’s only got bad eyes.

“I know” said the the vet “but he’s to heavy”

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

What’s a brunette’s mating call?
“Has the blonde left yet?”

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey
just did?”

The guy says, “No what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” Says the
bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats
everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He
finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did
now?” He asks.

“Now what?” Responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!” says the barkeep.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that blasted cue
ball he measures everything first!”

How Does a dummy kill a mole?
He buries it.

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?”
The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand”.

“OK” said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?”

“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert”, the camel mother answers.

“Thanks Mom” replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??”

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.”

“That’s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but… Mom?”

“Yes son?”

“Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?”