Category: animals

Theres a rabit running through the jungle and he comes up to a giraffe smoking a spliff and says you dont wanna do that you wanna come out running with me get healthy after some hesitation the giraffe aggrees so there both running along and they come up to a snake doing lines of coke and the rabbit says you dont wanna do that shit you wanna come running get healthy so he says ye might as well so there all running allong and they come up to a lion doing smack and he turns to the lion and says you dont wanna be doing that shit you wanna come out running with all of us get healthy with this statement just put to him the lion just turns and beets up the rabbit the giraffe and snake are amazed that he just did it and they say to him why did you do that he says ive had enough of that cunt every time hes on pills he wants to go fucking running

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
”It’s nice, but can it pick up peanuts?”

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried
Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and ask for a favor.

The Pope says, ”What can I do?”

The Colonel says, ”I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this
day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. If you do it, I’ll
donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, ”I am sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and I can not change
the words.”

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel
panics, and calls again.

”Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll give you $50 million
dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our
daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.”’

And the Pope responds, ”It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church
could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many
charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s prayer, and I can’t
change the words.”

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the
Colonel gets desperate. ”This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change
the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give
us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, ”Let me get back to you.”

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, ”I
have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going
to donate $100 million to the Vatican.”

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, ”The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”

Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but … it doesn’t seem
to matter.

Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh
and clean as a whistle.

Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice
of research scientists.

Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
advisors.

Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end.

Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that
philandering ex-husband.

Q. What do you get from hanging from a tree?
A. Sore Arms!

Why did the toadbecome a lihgthouse keeper?
He had his own frog-horn.

An old woman saved a Fairy’s life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. “Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, “Now aren’t you sorry you had me neutered?!!!”

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?

A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman and the other is a chocolate lab!

What did the thirsty whale do?
Bit the tail of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, “That’s it for you. No honey for a week.”

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, “Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.”

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy’s mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, “Should I tell her or should you?”