Category: animals

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Q. What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A. Wipe it off.

Q:Why was the little ant confused?
A:Because all of his uncles were ants

Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog?
A: A six-foot toothbrush.

what do you call an eskimo cow?
an eskimoo

A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.

Since the world situation is making us all think about how governments, religions and business effect us, this simplified explanation might help us under stand better.
THE “TWO-COW EXPLANATION” OF WHAT MAKES…

A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a
new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and
says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every
time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’
really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that,
you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the
command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the
horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey,
somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s
ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through
the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ”It’s no good, I’ll
have to do it,” and yells, ”ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure
enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This
continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier
problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The
jockey replies, ”Nothing is wrong with me–it’s this bloody
horse. What is he–deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, ”Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, “You’ve lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.”

The cat thinks for a minute and says “Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor…” The Lord stops the cat and says “Say no more!” Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: “All of our lives we’ve been chased. We’ve had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer’s wife with her broom. We’re tired of running…” “Say no more!” The Lord replies. In a flash, eachmouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.

About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, “How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretches, yawns, and replies “Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you’ve been sending are the BEST!!!”

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched
him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went
about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug
at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three
more worms.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.