Category: animals

What did Harry Potter do when he found the three-headed dog?
He ran… wouldn’t you?

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. ” I know
this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I’m
sending him over.”

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female
horse.

“A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. “Nith
looking horth, can I thee her mouth?” So the owner picks up the midget
and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyeth?”

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. “Ok, what about the

earth?” Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one
more time and shows the ears. “OK, finally, I’d like to see her twat.”
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the
horse’s ass, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, “perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like
to see her run!”

A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,”Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?”

“Sure that sounds great!” said Julie.

“Well, how much do you want me to pay you?” asked the man.

“Is fifty bucks all right?” Julie asked.

“Yeah, great. You’ll find the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage.”

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. “Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?” asked the wife. “Well, she must, she was standing right on it!” her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.

“I’m all finished,” she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. “You painted the whole porch?”

“Yeah,” Julie replied, “I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!”

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

“Oh, and by the way,” said Julie, “That’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.

What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

How And When to Get Your Human’s Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s “golden time” is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

Rewarding Your Human:

Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.

How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe’s first time
ever hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and
told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet.
After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what
had happened. Joe said �There was this snake and he slittered across my feet,
but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled,
but I never screamed.�

�So then what did make you scream,� Bob asked, exasperated.

�Well,� Joe continued, �two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them
say, �Should we take them home or eat ’em now?��

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in
camouflage. Jake asks her, �What are you up to?� Alice smiles, �I’m going
hunting with you!� Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to
take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree
stand and tells her: �If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come
running back as soon as I hear the shot.� Jake walks away with a smile on his
face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears
Alice screaming, �Get away from my deer!� Confused, Jake races faster towards
his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, �Get away from my deer!�
followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says,
�Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!�

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.

10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It`s hard to type with paws)

9. ‘Sit’ and ‘stay’ were hard enough; ‘delete’ and ‘save’ are out of the question.

8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Carpal Paw Syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the ’50 ways to skin a cat’ sites.

5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates.

4. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, ‘you`ve got mail’.

3. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

1. Can`t stick his head out of Windows 98.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its
arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest
puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all
the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund
came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the
Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage
and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s
mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.”

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man’s car bumper.

Then he yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.”
Benny didn’t move.

Then he yelled, “Come on, pull Ranger.”
Still, Benny didn’t move.

Then he yelled really loud, “Now pull, Fred, pull hard.”
Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said,
“Okay, Benny, pull.”

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn’t even try.”