Category: animals

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced so he went to the market looking for
a rooster. He asked the vendor for a rooster that would service all of his
many chickens and the vendor immediately recommended Randy.

The farmer took Randy back to the farm and before turning him loose in the hen
house gave him a little pep talk. “Randy, I’m counting on you to do your
stuff.”

Randy was as fast as he was furious mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. But
Randy didn’t stop there he then went to the barn and mounted all the horses,
one by one at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig pen where he did
the same.

“Stop, Randy, you’ll kill yourself” cried out the farmer as Randy went through
each animal on the farm.

Well, the next morning the farmer saw Randy lying on the lawn with his legs in
the air, his eyes rolled back and his tongue hanging out of his mouth. A
buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked over to Randy and said, “You poor thing, look what you did,
you went and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy.”

“Shhhhh whispered Randy, the buzzard’s getting closer.”

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third man a Chemist, and the fourth a Government worker.To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, ‘T-Square, do your stuff!’ T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that T-Square was pretty smart!Then the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, ‘Spreadsheet, show them how smart you are!’ Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen, and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed, that was good!Yet the Chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, ‘Measure, do your thing!’ Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone oohed and ahhhed and was quite impressed!Then the three men turned to the Government Worker, and said, ‘What can your dog do?’ The Government Worker called to his dog and said, ‘Coffee Break, do your stuff!!’ Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate all the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!!!!

Q. What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A. One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub-it!

Okay, so, two penguins were in the marines and they went to reach their guns but they werent there….so they got…APPLE PIES!

What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, “What on earth is that all about?”

The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.”

“Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?”

The farmer replied, “There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”

One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.

He fell asleep,and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off the very tip of his tail. He looked around to see what happen and the train cut off his head.

Do you know what the moral of the story is?

Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Q: What do you get when you cross a mule with a sack of onions?
A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who’s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger’s neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you’re sure you’ve got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger’s mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn’t a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you’re standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don’t get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn’t put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

little birdie in the gutter,
not a flitter,
not a flutter,
little birdie why dont you fly,
he is fucking dead,

thats why!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he’s drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the
pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it
whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey
just did?” “No. What did that stupid shit do this time?”, says the
patron.
“Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole”, says
the bartender. “Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he’s
been
driving me nuts”, says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and
the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is
drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the
grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender
is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “What
now?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then
pulled it out and ate it”, says the barkeeper.
“Well, what did you expect?”, replied the patron. “Ever since he ate
that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”