Category: animals

What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat?

The Dolly Llama.

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of
horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, “That’s once.”
Then it stumbled again. He said, “That’s twice.”

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t say anything, just
pulled out a shotgun and shot the hores dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and
said, “That’s once.”

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.””We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave.When he returns, he is covered with blood.The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?””Yes,” the other bat answers.”Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It’s a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my son’s hamster to the vet. Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me, “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the hamster!” “Oh, my gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.” “What?” My son demanded.

“But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce!” I accused my wife. “Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!” She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). “Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” My son agreed. “Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,” she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“OH, Gross!” They shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?” My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. “We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified. “Do something, Dad!” My son urged. “Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” My eldest daughter wanted to know,” Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think hamsters do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. “What do you think, Doc, a c-section?” I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?” I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” My wife asked. “Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us.

“This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy.”

“What?”

“You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um …. er … masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So Ernie’s just … just … excited?”! My wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

“It’s just … that … I’m picturing you pulling on its … its teeny little …” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

How do you put six elephants in a Volkswagen?

…Three in front and three in back…

there was three flys in a jar 2 female 1 male the one of the females ask the male how do we get out of here the male said suck my dick and I will tell you so she did he told her fly to the top as fast as you can so she did and she broke her neck and fell down and died the other female asked the same question did the same thing and died the same way

the male got tired of being in there with two dead girls and got out

now ask how he got out and scroll down

suck my dick and I will tell you

q: what religion are alvin and the chipmunks?

a:munks

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured
princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the
princess, “I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put
a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children
and forever feel happy doing so.”

That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed
to herself and thought “I don’t fucking think so.”

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night.

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. “How did the pig get a wooden leg?”, he asks the farmer.

“Well”, says the farmer, “that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them.”

“And that was when he hurt his leg?” asked the salesman.

“Oh no” says the farmer. “He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure.”

“So the bear injured his leg then.” says the salesman.

“Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drown.”

“So he hurt his leg then?” asks the salesman.

“Oh no,” says the farmer.

“So how did he get the wooden leg?” the salesman asks.

“Well”, the farmer tells him, “A pig like that, you don’t want to eat all at once.”

Q: Why dont birds wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces

In the small town of Whatsville, there were a lot of crimes going on, and
Dave wanted to get a guard dog. So one day Dave goes into the pet store
and says, “I need the best guard dog I can buy.” The petstore owner goes
to the back. He returns with a tiny dog. Dave laughed and said, “That’s no
guard dog!” The owner said, “Not only a guard dog, but this dog knows
karate,” The owner said, “Dog, karate that chair.” and the chair turned
into a pile of splinters. Dave said, “I’ll take it!!” When he got home, he
told his wife about this dog and said, “Watch this, my dog knows karate.”
The wife looked over and said, “Karate my ass!”