How do you compliment a donkey?
”Hey, nice ass!”
Category: animals
Hamburger Cow
A hungry cow walked into a Butcher shop.
“Boy, Do I feel like a hamburger.” he said.
“You should.” said the Butcher with a evil grin.
and the cow was never seen again….
Put that worm back in that hole
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
Q. Why does a dog lick his ass?…
Q. Why does a dog lick his ass?
A. Because he knows he will be licking your face in about 5 minutes.
Canary
Q: What do you not want to do with a 5,000 pound canary?
A: Argue.
Penguin goes into a bar
So ,this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman “have you seen my brother?”…
and the barman says “I don’t know, what does he look like?” (ba-dum-tish)
Snail’s Pace
A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn’t see anyone.
He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.
Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn’t find anyone there when he answers.
He looks down, sees a snail there.
The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, –
“WHAT WAS THAT FOR?”
Fish.
Why did the fish say when it swam in to the wall?
wat a dam place to put a wall
Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have a Yard to Protect
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark, bark, bark…
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll hink it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never— quite— catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. …Eat a shoe.
Eating a bald eagle
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently
put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation
went something like this:
Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”
Man: “Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what
happened.”
Judge: “Proceed.”
Man: “I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.
I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”
Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didn’t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.
But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste
like?”
Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can
describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a
Spotted Owl.”
A small village was troubled by a man-eating…
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.”What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?” asked the chief.”Forget the damn lion!” he howled. “Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?”
Elephant Farts vs. Saloon
What’s the difference between a saloon and an elephant fart?
One’s a bar room and the other is a BAROOOOM!