Category: animals

Q. What goes “Nort, Nort”?
A. A bull with a cleft palate.

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!

Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

For guests who say, “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind.

When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table — pens, pencils, stamps — one at a time.

Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 & 4 a.m.

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin’ head!

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won’t feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.

Cats don’t hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don’t, so that’s all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They don’t care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.

On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a cat.

One cat just leads to another.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

You can always tell a cat, but you can’t tell him much.

One day a teacher asked her class, “What do you want outta life?”
So a girl in the back raised her hand and said, “I want four things.”
“what four things would those be?”Asked the teacher.
“I want a tiger in bed, a jaguar in the garage, a mink on my back, and a jackass to pay for it all.”

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”

“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”

The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”

“Yes,” the other bat answers.

“Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”

This guy owns a horse farm and gets a call from a friend. “I know this
midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I’m sending him
over.”

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
“A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

“Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?” So the owner picks up the
midget and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?” So the owner picks up the midget and
shows him the eyes.

“Ok, what about her earth?” Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks
up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

“OK, finally, I’d like to thee her twat.” With that, the owner picks up
the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s vagina, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like
to thee her run!”

Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?

a. It’s hungry.
b. It’s lost.
c. You’re hungry.
d. Let the begging begin.

Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?

a. Supper.
b. Something s/he obviously wouldn’t eat.
c. Something to keep you going till supper’s ready.
d. Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.

Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?

a. You’re in trouble – better not do it again.
b. Nothing – humans do this from time to time.
c. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
d. It is time to chew on the cable wire again.

Staircases are for:

a. Getting up to the human’s bed at 4am.
b. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
c. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d. All of the above.

Your human talks/yells at you. You should:

a. Listen intently, even if you don’t understand.
b. Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing.
c. Ignore him/her completely; you’re a cat, they mean nothing.
d. Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior.

Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:

a. Important to humans and should be left alone.
b. Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result.
c. Annoying and should be removed immediately.

Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:

a. Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed).
b. Played with until they stop playing.
c. Presented to your human as a proud trophy.
d. Hidden under your human’s pillow for safe keeping.
e. Consumed for their nutritional value.

A human giving you a bath should be considered:

a. Under no circumstances.
b. Under no circumstances.
c. Under no circumstances.
d. An act of war.
e. All of the above.

Your human’s value is limited to:

a. Providing food.
b. Providing water.
c. Letting you out.
d. Providing opposite-gender feline companionship.
e. Leaving you alone.
f. All of the above; if properly trained.

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised to find a parrot
strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round,

and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: “And get me a
whisky you cow!”

The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but
forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately
drains its glass and yells “And get me another whisky you bitch!”

Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the
parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to
try the parrot’s approach: “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, cow, go and get
it or I’ll give you a slap!”

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take
them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the
plane, the parrot turns to the man and says “You know, for someone who can’t
fly, you’re a lippy bastard!!�

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and
have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape). CAUTION: Don’t get any part of your body too close to
the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they
can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a “powerwash and
rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it’s finished
It’s all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!