Category: animals

What do cows do for fun?
They go to MOO-vies!

OK, let’s consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

A waiter asks a man, �May I take your order, sir?�

�Yes,� the man replies. �I�m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your
chickens?�

�Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they�re going to
die.�

Why can’t you hear bunnies having sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

Two snails were standing on the side of the road, a turtle stops and says, “Do you guys want a ride on my back”?

One of the snails takes him up on his offer and off he goes. As the turtle reaches the intersection another turtle comes along and crashes into him. The poor little snail was thrown and killed.

A cop is investigating the accident and he begins questioning the dead snails buddy. “What happended he asked”.

The little snail replies, “I don’t know it all happened so fast.”

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was doing his job okay, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured it wouldn’t hurt anything. So he gets a young cock and and lets it loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they are trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I’ve got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says,”So, your the new guy in town. I bet you think you’re really hot stuff don’t you? I’m not exactly ready for the chopping block yet. I bet I’m still the better bird and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens to himself.”

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on,” said the young rooster. “And since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easily,” said the young cocky rooster.

So, the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gather around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little but he’s still hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old roosters lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he just barely led the young rooster. By then the farmer had heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, got his shot gun, and ran out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shot gun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away.

He walked away slowly, saying to himself……………… “Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, “License and Registration please.”

“It’s okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this,” she said smiling.

“That’s impossible!” The officer replied, “I’ve never heard of such a license.”

The blonde then reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, “Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration.”

She pointed to the bottom of the license, “See? it says so right here: ‘Tear Along The Dotted Line’.”

There’s this guy, and he’s just bought a new car, so he wants to take it into the country to see how fast it can go. Now, he gets it up to about 80 miles per hour when this chicken runs up beside him and starts to pass him. The guy cranks up the speed to 90 mph, and same as before, the chicken starts to pass him. So he gets his speed up to 100 miles per hour, and the chicken veers off to the right. The guy screeches to a halt, backs up, and then follows the chicken down a small country road. After quite some time, the guy comes across a small farm. He sees a farmer working in the fields. He gets out of his car and walks over to the farmer and says “Is that your chicken?””You bet that’s my chicken,” replies the farmer.”How does it go so fast?” asks the guy.”Why, it’s got three legs, that’s why.”The guy looks at the farmer strangely. “Why does it have three legs?””Well, I like a chicken leg, my wife likes a chicken leg, and my son likes a chicken leg,” replies the farmer very sensibly.”Err…Well, how do they taste?” asks the guy.”Well, I dunno, I haven’t caught one yet.” –Editor’s note: Okay, it’s way funnier after you’ve had a few pints…

What drug was the Herb the bad ass duck on?
Qwack!

a man was walking down the sidewalk when he passes a house with a sign that read “talking dog for sale” in on the front lawn. the man knocks on the door to ask about it.the owner says yep hes a talking dog, have a look hes in the backyard.
sure enough there is a mutt sitting in the back yard. the man says “you talk?”
the dog says yep.
man says “whats your story?”
dog says “well i reallized i had this gift when i was young so i told the cia and before you know it theyu had me jetting all over the world sitting in on world leaders because noone would suspect a dog would be listening. i did that for a while and reallized i wasnt getting any younger so i decided to do some airport security, mostly just wandering up to strange characters and listening in. i made a couple of busts and received some medals. then i got me a wife had some pups and now im just retired.”
“wow” the man said walking back to the front door to ask the owner more.
“how much you asking for?” the man asked
“10 dollars” the owner replied.
“what? why in the world so cheap?”the man asked astonished.
“because hes a damn liar. he didnt do any of that shit.”

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.

Q. What goes “Nort, Nort”?
A. A bull with a cleft palate.