Category: animals

This is an Actual Article from the Los Angeles Times:

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying
to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe
Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomasszewski, and his homosexual
partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after
a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

“I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,”
he explained. “As usual, Kiki shouted out ‘Armageddon’, my cue that he’d had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered
into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.” At a
hushed press conference a hospital spokesperson described what happened next.

“The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the
tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also
set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger
pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a
cannonball.” Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from
the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns
to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 10 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY:

10. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum…” Hello!

9. “…so I peered into the tube…” Aaaaaahhhh! I’m sorry, but that’s like
looking through a telescope into hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at
the sun.

8. That poor gerbil being shot out of that guy’s ass like Rocky the Flying
Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone’s
anus. I’m just guessing here, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki’s “tunnel of love”.

6. People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their
rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing & then admit what they were doing when
taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story
about a gang of raving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and
sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old
fashion, but I just can’t imagine looking at a doctor & saying “Well doc, it’s
like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot & we took this cardboard
tube…”

4. “First and second degree burns to the anus.” Wouldn’t this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever
take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of burning anus
must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God’s green earth.

3. People named “Kiki” which is obviously a Polynesian word for “Idiotic
white men who insert rodents up butts.”

2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference about this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City? What kind of people are those Mormons?
I’m starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

Q: Who is the most famous cat detective?

A: Purrlock Holmes.

Sam stayed with his grandmother when his parents went to Mexico for their vacation. “We are going to bring you back something nice,” his mother told him. “It will be a surprise.”Before they came home, Sam’s parents looked for something Sam would like. All they could find was a beautiful sombrero. It cost too much. But that afternoon, while they were eating their lunch in a park, they decided to buy the sombrero after all. Sam’s father threw what was left of their sandwiches to some stray dogs, and they walked back to the marketplace.One of the animals followed them. It was a small, gray creature with short hair, short legs, and a long tail. Wherever they went, it went too.”Isn’t he cute!” Sam’s mother said. “He must be one of those Mexican Hairless dogs. Sam would love him.” “He’s probably somebody’s pet,” Sam’s father said. They asked several people if they knew who its owner were, but no one did. They just smiled and shrugged their shoulders. Finally, Sam’s mother said, “Maybe he’s just a stray. Let’s take him home with us. We can give him a good home, and Sam will love him.”It is against the law to take a pet across the border, but Sam’s parents hid the animal in a box, and no one saw it. When they got home, they showed it to Sam.”He’s a pretty small dog,” said Sam.”He’s a Mexican dog,” his father said. “I’m not sure what kind. I think it’s called a Mexican Hairless. We’ll find out. But he’s nice, isn’t he?”They gave the new pet some dog food. Then they washed it and brushed it and combed it’s fur. That night it slept on Sam’s bed. When Sam awakened the next morning, his pet was still there.”Mother,” he called, “the dog has a cold.” The animal’s eyes were running, and there was something white around its mouth. Later that morning Sam’s mother took it to a vet.”Where did you get him?” the vet asked.”In Mexico,” she said. “We think he’s a Mexican Hairless. I was going to ask you about that.””He’s not Hairless,” the vet said. “He’s not even a dog. He’s a sewer rat-and he has rabies!!”–Editor’s Note: No, it’s not a true story�

what do you get when theres a cow on the ground

ground beef

A guy has a horny parrot. It’s terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, “Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine.”

The guy’s parrot is listening and says, “Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?”

Finally, the guy says “All right” and hands over the fifteen dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.

Suddenly, “Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!” The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out.

The vet says, “Holy gee,” and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he’s pulling out all her feathers. He’s saying, “For fifteen bucks, I want you naked, bitch. Naked!”

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

“Yes,” the pet store owner said, “this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.”

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. 

“That’s to be expected,” said the pet shop owner. “Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you.” Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot’s owner returned and said there still had been no talking. 

“I see,” said the pet shop owner. “Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it.” A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint.  This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrot’s owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot’s owner was there waiting as the store opened. “Still no luck?” asked the store owner.

“No. Nothing said yet,” answered the bird’s owner. “Well, I bet the bird’s just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop.” “What? You want me to buy another bird!?!” yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

“No, no, calm down,” reassured the store owner.  “All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.”

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned … this time with the parrot, only it was dead! “What happened?” asked the store owner, “Didn’t the bird ever talk?” 

“Yes, right before it died it said: What’s the matter? Don’t they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?”

One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular
attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than
he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top of the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion’s cage, he slips
and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares
to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help! Help me!”

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, “Shut up you idiot or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

There was a man who had two horses but he couldn’t tell the difference between them. He tried everything, but still could not tell the difference between them. Then another man came along and said, “I can measure them and then you would be able to tell the difference.” So, he measured them. the guy that owned the horses said, “well which one is bigger?” The other guy said “Well, the black horse is taller than the white horse!”

It was in the dark sky,Just her and I.I knew what she wanted;I tried my best.So then I placed my hand on her breast.It was then I knew what she wanted to do.She spread her legs,I felt no shame.Because then the white stuff,Slowly came.So it’s done now;My first time,Milking a cow!

Q. Why can’t they find a cure for AIDS?
A. They can’t get the mice to buttfuck.

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-I’m sorry officer, I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesn’t come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn’t like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he won’t get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think he’s sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost…can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I’m on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it’s head out.