Category: animals

Hey! Benny did you know it was raining so hard yesterday I stepped in a puddle!!!

1. The cats live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture

3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people

4. To you, they’re cats. To me, they’re an adopted son or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly

5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don’ t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the kittens.

6. They ignore you until you are asleep.

Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital?
A: To have a cat-scan done.

What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?

Meals on Wheels!

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner, “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on”

“Ok, got it.” the homeowner replied. “But whats that shotgun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?

An Egg

On the first day of creation, God created the cat…. On the second day, God created man to serve the cat…. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat…. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat…. On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it…. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke…. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox….

A bear decides to go take a shit in the woods. Upon entering the
woods, he sees a rabbit doing the same as he is about to do. So
he takes his shit and notices that he got shit on his hair
again. He asked the rabbit, “Hey rabbit, do you have a problem
with shit sticking to your hair?” The rabbit replied, “No.” So
the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old
daughter.

Mother: “What does the cow say?”

Child: “Moo!”

Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”

Child: “Meow.”

Mother: “And what does the pig say?”

Child: “Oink, Oink.”

Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and
in her deepest voice replied, “Bud-wei-ser.”

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in
her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the
elephant says, “Help me, help me.” But the ant refuses unless the
elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.
Replies the elephant, “Anything! Anything!”

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy
himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who
witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently
he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant: “Ouch!”

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: “Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!”

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.”That’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen,” I said. “That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.”The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is. He hated the book.”

Which type of dog works in a restruant?

An Irish Table Setter