Category: animals

What do you get when you cross a bear with a deer?

Beer

What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman pinscher.

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

“It’s beautiful!” cried the man, “Does he do any tricks?”

“Yes he does,” answered the salesman.

“If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing ‘Jingle Bells.’ And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'”

“Amazing!” exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately.

That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he’d bought.

“Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?” asked the wife.

The man smiled and said, “Watch this.”

Then he lit a match and put it under the bird’s right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing ‘Jingle Bells.’ Then he put the match under the bird’s left foot, and it began to sing ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.’

“That’s incredible! Does he do anything else?” the wife asked.

“I don’t know, lets see,” replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the bird’s legs.

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”

There were 3 little piggies.The first pig walked into a bar got a drink went to the bathroom and went home.The second little piggie did the same.Went to the bar got a drink went to the bathroom and went home.The third piggie went to the bar got a drink,then he was aboutleave but the bartender asked arent you gonna go the the bathroom like the other 2. No said the piggie im gonna go wee wee wee all then way home.

What’s black and white and red all over?
An embarassed zebra!

Why do the Welsh shag sheep on cliff edges?
So the sheep push back harder!

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.

“Oh, my,” exclaimed the lady, “Come on, I’ll clean you!”
She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.

She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.
And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling… Pssssst…”Hey, lady!”

“Yes?” she responded.
“Do you have a Kleenex?” asked the voice from the bushes.

“No, not anymore,” she answered.
“Damn! Have ya’ seen any Ducks?”

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ‘Hey, we have a drink
named after you!’
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ‘You have a drink named Steve?’

Thomas goes to the zoo to feed the monkeys. He throws a
monkey a peanut, the monkey picks it up, sticks it in his rear,
pulls it out and eats it.
Thomas goes, “YUK!”
He throws the monkey another peanut. The monkey picks it up,
sticks it in his rear, pulls it out and eats it.
Thomas goes, “YUK!”
He goes to the zookeeper and he says, “Man, that is one very
stupid monkey.”
The zookeeper says, “No, that’s a very smart monkey. Last
week, somebody threw him a big peach, and he ate it, and he
couldn’t pass the pit. So now he measures everything first.”

Why was Tiger looking in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh bear!!!

WHY DO TIGERS HAVE RED BALLS SO THEY CAN HIDE IN APPLE TREES WHAT DO TIGERS FEAR MOST APPLE EATING GIRAFFES

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.The police chief asks, “What were the people doing on the bus?”The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.The chief asks, “Yeah, but what else were they doing?”.The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.The chief says, “Oh! They were drinking, huh??!” The chief continues, “Okay, were they doing anything else?”The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.The chief loses his patience, “If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?”The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.