Category: animals

Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder

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  • Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
  • You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.
  • Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.
  • Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
  • No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…
  • Continually scratches on the door to get in… the OVEN door.
  • Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
  • Rides in your car with its head out the window.
  • She’s a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
  • You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
  • Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.
  • Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
  • After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.
  • Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
  • Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
  • Makes an attempt on “First Cat” Sock’s life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

Cats and Teenagers

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For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.>>

Shipwreck

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A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance!

Well, soon that pig started looking better and better to the guy, so he leaned toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health.

When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

The guy started getting ‘those’ ideas again, so he leaned toward the girl and and whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”