Category: animals

why did the man cross the road?

he heard the chicken was a slut!

A man walks into a bar and says “Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack”.
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says “Another”.
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says “Another”.
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, “Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?”
The man says, “Ten years, ten years I’ve been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her.”
The bartender says “Geez, what did you say.”
The man says ” I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!”

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Why do elephants live in the jungle?
Because it’s out of the high rent district.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.”

Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ’em till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I AM KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: “You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting — the bull’s equivalent of an Ape’s beating his chest or Man’s bone-chilling, war-like cry of “Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!

First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS.
I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

Theres a fly 6 inches above water and theres a fish under water about to get the fly, a bear about to get the fish, a hunter about to shoot the bear, a mouse looking at a sandwich in the hunters pocket, and a cat about to eat the mouse. The fly drops 6 inches the fish mises the fly, the bear mises the fish, the hunter mises the bear, the mouse gets the sandwich, and the cat misses the mouse and falls into the water. The moral of the story is once a fly drops 6 inches the pussy always gets wet.

Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I
noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my
dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor’s 10 year old daughter’s
rabbit.

For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight out to
its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no
different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I
washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry
with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it’s grooming I jumped the fence and
replaced back in it’s cage hoping it’s death would be written off as
“natural causes”.

Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in
as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight
for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
“DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good
neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I
could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would
dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in it’s cage??”

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
“Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant –
“Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

At a circus in a nearby town a man stood thoughtfully looking at
the camels. Then he picked up a straw, placed it on the camel’s
back and waited. Nothing happed,”Wrong straw,” he muttered and
walked away.

A burrow (mule) walks into a fancy resturant and sits on a
chair. A waiter comes over and sais : I am sorry, but we do not
allow animals in this resturant. The burrow looks at him and
sais: but sir, i am not a burrow, I am a costume for a movie. I
am a man inside. Any way, the waiter lets him order. After a
fine meal, the waiter sees he’s clearly an animal, yells at him
for lieng. The mule said hey you belived me, I may be a mule but
your the real jackass.

12. Rabbit: “Fatal Attraction” video

11. Opossum or armadillo: “Roadkill Cafe” T-shirt

10. Porcupine: full-body massage

9. Sparrow: “Hitting Windows for Dummies”

8. Mole: cosmetics from the Cindy Crawford Collection

7. Sheep: inflatable Scotsman

6. Centipede: 50 pairs of 5-inch heel open toe pumps

5. Beaver: crotchless panties

4. Baboon: a thong bikini

3. Hyena: any Steve Gutenberg movie

2. Rabbit: Raisinets

1.Snail: Salt ‘n’ Pepa CD

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.”I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said one. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere–it’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.””Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”