Category: animals

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while asleep?

The runs

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on
Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes
with Ken.”

“No,” said the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”

Shipwrecked

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were
shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree
and yelled, “Stop making love down there!”

“What’s the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down.
‘”We weren’t making love.”

“Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.” Every
morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing.
Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great
difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, “By golly
he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldn’t afford to feed it. He’d never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,
000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He’s carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,
000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.

He’d never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, “no.” Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, “Remember me?” The elephant nods yes.

The man then holds up his bat and says, “Want me to use this again?” The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no….

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he’ll have a little fun…

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ alright.”
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” pointing at Indian.
Dog: “Yep”
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Indian: shows look of disbelief

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? “pointing at Indian.
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Indian: shows total look of amazement

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Indian: “Sheep Lie!”

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher
says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only
human stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says.

“Please explain, Johnny!”, replies the teacher. “Well, Miss,
the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbors’ Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat
went “ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!”, and before he
could said, “Fuck off!”, the dog ate him!”

Two cats have a swimming race aross the English Channel, one English, the other French.The English cat is called “One two three”, the French cat is called “Un deux trois”.Which cat wins…?The English cat.Why…?Because Un deux trois cat sank�

This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a ‘professional smart person’ by your friends.
You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult.

1)How do you put an elephant into a refridgerator?
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Answer: Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door.

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2)How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator?
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Answer: Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

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3)The animals are having an animal meeting. All the animals attend except for one. Which one does not attend?
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Answer:The giraffe. The giraffe is in the refridgerator.

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4)You must cross a crocodile-infested river. How do you manage it?
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Answer:You swim across. All of the animals are attending the animal meeting.

three ducks walk into a bar, the bar tender askes the first one
“whats your name?” the duck replies “tom, i’ve had a wonderfull
day i’ve been playing in puddles in and out over and through! it
was fun!” the bar tender says “i bet it was” and he goes to the
seconde duck “whats your name?” the duck replies “i am dick, and
i’ve had a wonderfull day i was playing in puddles in and out
over and through it was fun!” and the bartender says “i bet it
was” then he goes to the third duck “i bet your name is harry!”
“no” the duck replies “my name is puddles and you don’t wanna no
what kind of day i had”.

Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit pictures. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain. Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can’t explain. Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.

Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some
trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about
various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why
don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get
the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day.”

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the
trees.After cutting for several hours and only cutting two
cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong
with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two
cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the
morning and cut all day,” the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and
cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it
would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will
take this saw back to the dealer,” the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and
explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim,
removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it
looks fine.”

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man
responds, “What’s that noise?