Category: animals

how do u put an elephant into a safeway cart???
take the F out of way.

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, ‘Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?’ The trembling monkey says, ‘You are, mighty lion! ‘Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, ‘Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?’ The terrified wildebeest stammers, ‘Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!’ On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, ‘Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?’ Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away. The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, ‘Geez, just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so pissed off!’

3 Penguins walk into a bar. The first one walks into the bar and
passes out. The second one walks into the bar and he, too,
passes out. The third one walks into the bar and after he passes
out a guy watching says, “Gee, I thought the third guy would
have ducked!”

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.

“You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” she sneered.

I replied in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”

What does a bee do with it’s stinger before he goes to bed???

He put’s it in his honey!!

This guy walked into a bar. After sitting at the bar he saw a
$1,000 dollar bill in a frame above the bar. He asked the
bartender “What is the $1,000 dollar bill for?” The bartender
said “It’s for a bet. Do you see that 300 pound man over there?”
“Yes” said the man. “You have to go over to the man and beat the
crap out of him. Then you have to go through that door, down the
stairs and there’s a pitbull down there with a bad tooth. You
have to pull the tooth. Then when you are done you have to go up
them stairs over in the corner and theres a fat lady up there.
You have to have sex with her until she’s satisfied. The guy
says, “That’s ok, I’m going to go sit down. Just keep bringing
the beer.” After a while of drinking beer and getting
intoxicated the guy came back to the bartender, “I’ll take that
bet. What do I do first?”

“Remember the guy……”

“Yes I remember.” So he walked over to the guy and beat the crap
out of him. He walked back to the bartender and said give me a
beer.

After drinking the beer he looked at the bartender and the
bartender pointed towards the door. He stumbled over to the door
and opened it. He tried walking down the stairs and fell to the
bottom. A lot of growling was heard then you heard YIPE YIPE
YIPE YIPE…. The guy came back to the top of the stairs and
yelled to the bartender, “Where’s that fat bitch with the bad
tooth?!”

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. “Jesus is watching you,” a voice said “Huh?, oh well,” the robber said and continued shinning his torch. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot. “Oh, it’s you,” the robber said. “I’m just trying to warn you,” the parrot said. “Oh, that’s nice,” the robber said, pretending to be scared, “what’s your name?” “Moses.” “Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses?” “The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!”

A bear walked into a bar and said to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of beer
and a packet of peanuts.”
The bar tender said, “Why the big paws?”

Q: How do you catch a unigue Rabbit

A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit

A: Tame way

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.

“You need to make sure the dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch the ball.”

“I can’t play fetch with my dog,” the blonde said.

“Why not?” the doctor asked.

“Because,” she replied, “He can’t throw, duh.”

One day a man is walking down the street, when he notices a
young boy in a wagon fixed up to look like a firetruck. The man
also notices that the wagon is being pulled by a dog with a rope
attached to his nards! The dog is, of course, howling like a
banshee, and inching along ever so slowly. The man thinks for a
moment, then approaches the boy and says: “You know, son, the
dog would probably pull you faster if you had the rope attached
to his leash.” The boy looks up at the man and says: “Well,
yeah, maybe, but then I wouldn’t have this really cool siren!”

While waiting for a bus, the blind man’s dog decided to go to the bathroom all
over the blind man’s legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, “What! That dog just went to the
bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him? Are you crazy?”

To which the blind man replied, “Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for
his bottom, so I can kick him.”