Category: animals

what can great white sharks have to eat?

any thing they want 🙂

by penne

Q) How many animals can you find in a pair of pantyhose ?A) Ten little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

Top Ten Signs your cat has learned your Internet Password:10) E-Mail flames from some guy names “Fluffy.”9) Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.8) You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like .7) Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/6) Your mouse has teeth marks in it…. And a strange aroma of tuna.5) Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of”CyberDog.”4) Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.3) You keep finding new software around your house like “CatinTax” and”WarCat II.”2) On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser.1) Little Kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post

whats another word for fag?
Matthew Burciaga

Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
A: It’s meow-sic to their ears!

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn’t be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad,”

A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whores… …same old faces. Hi Ray.”

A little girl asked her mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom says, “No, because the dog is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come talk to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, and there’s another dog pushing her home.”

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that
the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs,
shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases
of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around
for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom’s toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the
other cat’s vomited food.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
Kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human’s full bladder at 5:30 A.M.,
bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
Sofa, carpet, drapes, my human’s leg, my human’s boss’s leg, the new speakers,
wallpaper, window screen, car tires.

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
Floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human’s tax return, the
tax auditor, TV, baby’s mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big
people’s shoes, bathtub, my Dad’s collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble
floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the houseplants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human’s
toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear

9. [xxx] Is not cat food?
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea

10. [xxx] Is not a bed?
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
people’s wedding, piano strings, Mommy’s sock drawer, the inside of the antique
radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.

11. [xxx] are not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons;
toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human’s toes; my human’s penis (see “Robin
Williams, Live at the Met”); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on
the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in
something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy’s snow white lace garter
from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.

How do you catch a polar bear?

You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the
polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

You might be a redneck if ”Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit!

One Day A Guy Broke Into A Familys House While They Were Out. He
Was Creeping Slowly Up The Stairs When He Heard “Jesus Is Gonna
Get U!” He Stood Still For A Moment Thinking There Was Still
Someone Home. When He Didnt Hear Anything For Awile He Continued
His Way Up The Stairs. The He Heard It Again, He Got Out His Gun
And Turned The Corner, And Sitting There Was A Parrot. He WaS
Releived And The Parrot Said Again “Jesus Is Gonna Get U!” He
Replied “Is That So, And Where Is Jesus” He Laughed And Started
To Walk On, The He Heard The Parrot Say “Jesus Is The Family
Rotwieler”

What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?

Ho-Ho-Ho!