Category: animals

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”

The other cow replies, “Hell, I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks!”

Operator, get me the king of the jungle. Sorry Sir, the lion is busy

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant!
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed later!

DAY 762 – I Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at un-Godly hours of the night!

DAY 765 – I Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. . . I must try this with their baby!

–Kitty

Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.

As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he’d ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bear’s body is gone!

He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there’s a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it’s the bear! “You just tried to kill me, didn’t you?”. Says the bear.”Uh, no. No I didn’t”. The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies.”Yes you did. Don’t lie, or I’ll rip your arms off” “Uh, yeah, yeah I did.” “Alright”, says, the bear, “I’ll let you go if you do one thing for me.” “What’s that?”, inquires the hunter. “Give me a head-job.” “What??” “On your knees” So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.

Well, the hunter’s pissed-off. “Humiliated by a bear!”, he thinks to himself. “I’ll teach that bastard”. He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. “I’ve got you now, bear”, the hunter says to himself, andopens fire from behind the rock.

Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. “You just tried to kill me again, didn’t you?”. Says the bear. “Uh, no. No I didn’t”, lies the hunter. “Yes you did. Don’t lie, or I’ll rip your legs off” “Ok! I did.” “Alright”, says, the bear, “I’ll let you go if you do one thing for me.” “What’s that?”, inquires the hunter. “Drop your pants and bend over” “No way!” “Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off.” “Alright! I’ll do it, you bastard” So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.

“I’ll fucking get the bastard this time”, the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.

Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. “You’re not here for the hunting, are you?”, says the bear.

A farmer went lookin 4 his goat in the jungle. In the same jungle there was this couple doing it.

The guys yells out, “What a nice bush!”, and the farmer hollers back, “Would you mind checking if my goat is in that bush?”

Note to the civilized world: They don’t let dogs into bars in the US.————————–Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll with their dogs… One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, “Let’s go over to that bar and get something to drink.”The guy with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”The one with the Doberman said, “Just follow my lead.”They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.”The man with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.”The bouncer said, “A Doberman pinscher ?”The man said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck’, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”The man with the Chihuahua said, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.”The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua ?”The man with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua ?……. They gave me a Chihuahua ?!”

how many animals can you fit in a condom. i dont know how many . 2bulls 1snake and as many hares as you can count.

A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.

Q:What dog goes into a corner everytime a bell rings?

A:A Boxer Dog

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:
“Ah, you’re lovely, aren’t you?” she says to the first dog. “What’s your name?”

To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, “My name’s Huey, and I’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. “And what’s your name then?”

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, “My name’s Lewy, and I’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”

And so she moves on to the last dog. “Let me guess,” she says. “your name’s Dewy, and you’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”

“No,” replies the last dog. “My name’s Puddles, and I’ve had an awful day.”

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get
some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and
let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave
in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river
and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all
the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out
for blood.

“Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked. “YES,
YES, YES!!!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good!” said
the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t”