Category: animals

A: Chicken’s day off.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Farmer and his Pigs:
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he
should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the
pigs himself. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them
out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and
goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t
take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods,
bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs are still just standing
around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them
up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and,
upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are
laying in the mud. “No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of
them’s honking the horn.”

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during
this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The
farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the
apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to
another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another
pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great
astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the
most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the
time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the
pigs eat them from the ground!”

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

A blind man with a Seeing Eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The
man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts
swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he
decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man
swinging the dog and says, “Pardon me. May I help you with something.”

The blind man says, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really
exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got
excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose
up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had
to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the
ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two
rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to
daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.

Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked
the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the
lion gave a peptalk.

“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have
one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer.
Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s
team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the
rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He
skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he
was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There
were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what
had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.

“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”

“I was putting on my shoes.”

This is weird…. it really works, just follow the directions.

These are the words

– Cows
– About
– Talking
– Hole
– Ass
– This
– Got
– I
– Long
– How
– Look

1. Say COW before each word:

i.e.
– Cow Cows
– Cow About
– Cow Talking
– Cow Hole
– Cow Ass
– Cow This
– Cow Got
– Cow I
– Cow Long
– Cow How
– Cow Look

2. Say COW after each word:

i.e.
Cows Cow –
About Cow –
Talking Cow –
Hole Cow –
Ass Cow –
This Cow –
Got Cow –
I Cow –
Long Cow –
How Cow –
Look Cow –

3. Say COW before and after each word:

i.e.
– Cow Cows Cow –
– Cow About Cow –
– Cow Talking Cow –
– Cow Hole Cow –
– Cow Ass Cow –
– Cow This Cow –
– Cow Got Cow –
– Cow I Cow –
– Cow Long Cow –
– Cow How Cow –
– Cow Look Cow –

4. Start at the bottom and read the words upwards:

Cows
About
Talking
Hole
Ass
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look

I cant believe that you actually did this!!!!!!!

What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious
George broke a glass or a plate?
Spank his monkey.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.”, says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.”, says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

“My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.”, taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…
“Will you fuck off, I’m trying to take a shit”!

Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosuar with a pig?
A: Jurassic pork!

A: To help the patient find the other side.

A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. ‘That’s a strange looking dog you have there,’ he said. ‘Yes, he is rather,’ said the newcomer, ‘but he’s a great fighter.’ ‘Is he now? I bet he isn’t as good a fighter as my Fang here.’ ‘All right – how much do you wanna bet?’ ‘Ten dollars.’ ‘You’re on.’ So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master’s side. ‘I’d never thought I’d see Fang get defeated,’ said the loser’s master, handing over the ten dollars, ‘especially by such an odd-looking one like yours.’ ‘Yes, he does look a little peculiar,’ agreed the winner’s master. ‘But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off . . . ‘

There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He just felt
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: “WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?”
This poor quaking little monkey replied: “You are of course, no one is
mightier than you.”
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: “WHO
IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?”
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: “Oh
great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle.”
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: “WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?”
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him
down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: “Man, just
because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so mad.”

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.