Category: animals

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”.

The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all right with me.”

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

Q:what did the bumble bee say when he came home from work?
A:Honey im home

So there was this horse and a chicken that lived on a farm. The horse and the chicken were in fact two very good friends. One day the horse fell into a mud hole that he could not get out of. The chicken saw this and said, “What should I do?”,”What should I do?”. and the horse replies,”Go get the farmers BMW and a rope so that you can pull me out”.

So, the chicken runs and gets the BMW and a rope. He drives it back, ties the rope to the horse and the other end to the car. The chicken puts the car in gear and pulls the horse out. “Wow”, the horse said. “Thanks alot out there”.

So one day the chicken falls into the hole. “Help, Help” he is saying.”Go get the farmers BMW and a rope to pull me out!” The horse said, “No need….I just straddle the hole and you hold onto my dick and pull me out” “OK” said the chicken. So the chicken grabs a hold of his dick and is pulled out.

What is the MORAL of the story?

You don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks, if you are hung like a horse.

True story – read the story – THEN look at the pictures.

“My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent. She has cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat’s tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled).

When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said “yes, I know what a LION cut is.” It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her.

She cried for a week…but not as much as the cat. It was November in Chicago and the cat needed all the fur it had.”

– Gas in car to go to groomers – $4.50
– Cat car carrier – $32.99
– Grooming fee – $80.00
– Getting the look from one seriously pissed off cat – Priceless!

A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

MMmmmm, tastes like chicken!

3 frogs walked into a hotel and asked for a room. The receptionist said ” Down the hall to the right and then to the left.” When they got there it was the bathroom. So one of them slept in the sink, one in the tub and one in the toilet. So the next morning the one in the tub asks the one in the sink ” How was your sleep?” ” Good said the one in the sink then they exchanged. Then they went to the one in the toilet and asked him the same thing he said ” It was good but a log hit me on the head and then it stated rainig.

A guy was sitting around his house watching TV when he realized he was pretty freakin horny. So he hoppped into his car and drove to his local bordello(whorehouse). When he arrived, he walked up to the madam and realized he only had a five dollar bill. He looked up pittifully at the madam and asked what he could get for five dollars. After a few moments of thought she replied that she would allow him to have his way with a chicken for five dollars. The man was infuriated and began to walk back to his car when the feeling hit him again. He turned promtly around and went back into the bordello(whorehouse). He agreed sheepishly to scronck the chicken. She directed him down the hall and into the third door on the left wherein stood the ususpecting chicken. The chicken bolted!–The man gave chase! After some time the man caught her by the neck.(it was a HER, this guy wasn’t a pervert or anything)He began to “do his thing” to the chicken. He did it hard!–He did it fast!–Feathers were flying!–Eyeballs were nearly popping out! The next morning the man woke up in his bed and went to work. All day, the chicken commanded his thoughts. Those legs. Those thighs. Those breasts. He bummed a five off his friend and drove directly to the bordello(whorehouse) after work. Walked to the madam handed her the five and asked for the chicken. She somberly told him that the chicken was dead and offered him a front row show with two gorgeous lesbians. He accepted and the madaam lead him down the hall and into the second door on the left where a man was already seated watching this spectacular show. The man sits down beside him and begins to view these two hot lesbians through this thick glass. Our man leans over and whispers to the guy: “Man, this is freakin awesome!” The man’s reply: “Dude, that ain’t nothin’, yesterday there was a guy in there screwin’ a chicken.”

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend’s door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, “Fred, how’d that pig get him a wooden leg?”

“Well Michael, that’s a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin’, went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!”

“And the boar tore up his leg?”

“No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin’ like he was stuck, woke us up, and ‘fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved ’em all!”

“So that’s when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?”

“No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out ‘fore I drownded. Sure did save my life.”

“And that was when he hurt his leg?”

“Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too.”

“OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?”

“Well”, the farmer tells him, “Shit, when you have a Pig like THAT, you’re not gonna eat all at once!”

17> American Kennel Club Approves “Freedom Poodle” Name Change

16> Father of 12 Charged With Eating Children

15> Local Dingo Breaks World Record in Baby-Eating Competition

14> Teens Most Likely to Become Roadkill; Elderly Close Second

13> Fluffy Accused of “Going Outside the Box”

12> Tiger Dominates Masters, Arrested at Dinner

11> President Claims: “I Did Not Have Sex With That Leg”

10> Elephants Denied Vote in Democratic Primary

9> MASTER RETURNS! Abandoned Rover Excited, Hungry

8> Roy Attacker: “Evil Dictator Had to Go”

7> Authorities Question Siamese Immigrant as Koi-Pond Murder Spree Enters Third Week

6> Farmer Jones to Mooove

5> Hundreds Injured in Slugville Salt Factory Explosion

4> Countless Canines Defrauded in Fake Ball-Throw Scam

3> REX BAD! (Page 14)

2> Siamese Cats Separated

1> Chinese Soccer Team Scandal: Shih Tzu Hits Fan

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

So this pig walks into the bar and orders a beer. He pays, sits there quietly drinking, then orders another. And another. And another and another. This goes one for quite a few hours, and the bartender notices that the pig never visits the men’s room. Finally, the pig gets up to leave, and the bartender asks him how he could drink so much and never visit the bathroom.The pig explains, “Well, I’m the piggy that goes wee wee wee all the way home!”

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn’t going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

“OK!” he said with exasperation, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

“Do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”