Q: Why don’t blind people sky dive?
A: It scares there dogs to death.
Category: animals
Horse Sense
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a
local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t
move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why
he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one
pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
King of the Jungle…
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
“Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant –
“Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”
Insulting Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey, lady! You’re
really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more
said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly ticked now, so she went
into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The
store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot
didn’t say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey,
lady!” it said.
“Yes?”
“You know.”
They’re boasting about race records
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his
track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”
Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”
“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another,
flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there
listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” Says the greyhound, “but in my last 90
races, I’ve won 88 of them!”
The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A
talking dog.”
Donkey’s Will Kill U
A guy with a donkey walked up to a psychic and asked about his future.
The psychic said, “when your donkey farts 3 times you will die.”
So the man walked along with his donkey and the donkey farted.
The man said” Oh no donkey you mustn’t fart again”.
So they kept on walking and the donkey farted again.
The man said “I can’t take another chance with this”.
So the man then shoved a cork up the donkey’s buttocks. Then the man felt relieved so they continued walking. The donkey farted yet again, sending the cork flying. The cork hit the man’s head with such speed that he was killed instantly.
Sabi
how do u get sabrina to laugh on sunday?
Tell her a joke on wednesday
LIZARDS
A LIZARD CAN JUMP UP AND YOU
WOULD NOT OF NOTICED UNTIL YOU CAME BACK FROM THE SKY.
Q. What do you get when you cross a Pollack…
Q. What do you get when you cross a Pollack and a monkey?
A. Nothing. A monkey is too smart to fuck a Pollack.
If You Are Unhappy
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you’re warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.
Ricky the Rooster
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: ‘I have just the rooster for you. Ricky here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!’ So the farmer took Ricky back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Ricky a little pep talk. ‘Ricky,’ he said, ‘I’m counting on you to do your stuff.’ And without a word he strutted into the hen house. Ricky was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Ricky had finished having his way with each hen. But Ricky didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, ‘Stop, Ricky, you’ll kill yourself.’ But Ricky continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. The next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Ricky lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Ricky. The farmer walked up to Ricky saying, ‘Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy.’ ‘Shhhhh,’ Ricky whispered, ‘The buzzard’s getting closer
Animals in a Restaurant
There’s these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night …
The skunk says ‘Don’t look at me, I haven’t got a scent’
The duck says ‘Just put it on my bill’
The cow says ‘You’ll have to ask one of the udders’
The deer says ‘I had a buck last week and I’m expecting a little doe soon’
The giraffe says ‘Well, I guess the high balls are on me then’