Category: animals

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road.
Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn’t stop. He hit
the bunny head on. Once the man knew what had happened, he quickly jumped out of
his car to check the scene. There, laying lifeless in the middle of the road,
was the Easter bunny.

The man cried out, “Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over
the Easter bunny!”

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching.
It was a woman in a red convertable. The woman stopped and asked what the
problem was.

The man explained, “I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the
Easter bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter Day, and it’s
all my fault.”

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray
bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny
immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man
and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another
10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again
until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, “What is that stuff in that bottle?”

The woman replied, “It’s harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent
wave.”

Q.) How many cochroaches does it take to turn on a light?

A.) No one knows…when the light comes on they all scatter!

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as
a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a
visiting general.

“You simpleton!” The officer barked. “Don’t you know that by
jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered
the lives of the entire company?”

“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically. “But, if I may
say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for
target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog
peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my
pants leg and I heard the bigger say, ‘Let’s eat one now and
save the other until winter’–that did it.”

how do you make a cat go whoooph?

set it a-lite!

One day a father and son were walking down the street and they see two dogs have sex. The son asks his father” Dad what are they doing?” The father answers ” Making puppies.”

One day the boy walks into his parents room while they are making love. The son asks ” Dad, what are you doing?” The father answers, “Making babies” The son yells, ” No, roll her over I weant puppies.”

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn’t ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster’s neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

My uncle’s favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn’t ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

God created the mule, and told him, “You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years.”

The mule answered, “To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.”

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, “You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years.”

The dog responded, “Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.”

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”

The monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years.”

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.”

The man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.”

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so…

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in
a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations
say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care
of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them,
and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the
government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to
tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it
takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then
it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or
your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

In my next life….I want to be a bear. If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup….. Gonna be a bear

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when the Elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?”

The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him — I was just trying to trip him up.”

Q: What moves less than 3cm in an hour?

A: An asthmatic ant with heavy shopping!!