Category: animals

A blind man walks into a grocery store with his guide dog. All of the sudden he stops walking, the manager of the store begins to take notice of him, then the blind man swings the dog around and around above his head. The manager asks him what his is doing the blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

Q: Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet.

Q. what do you get when you tip boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. hot cross bunnys

Two crows were sitting on a plough handle. Suddenly they spotted a sandwich in the field. They flew down and were delighted to find that it was Bologna! They gorged themselves and flew back to the plough for a snooze. Unfortunately they were quickly awakened by a gunshot as the farmer tried to scare away the crows in his cornfield. Our two friends tried to join the flock but fell down.
The moral of this story is, “Don’t fly off the handle when you’re full of baloney!”

What Kind of animal do you never play cards with?

A Cheeta!

what do you call a gay dinosaur?

a mega saw ass

A frog walks into a bank and says “I wanna loan.”

“Well Mr.. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black’s desk, she is the loan manager,
I’m sure she will be happy to talk to you,” The head desk says.

The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black’s desk and says, “I wanna loan.”

Mrs. Black says, “Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to
sign, so if you will wait right here…” At this point the frog pulls out of his
knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her.

She asks, confused, “What is this?”

The frog croaks back, “I wanna loan.” She rubs her head, and walks back to her
boss and says, “I don’t get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me
this golden disk. Do you know what it is?”

The boss laughs and says, “It’s a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a
loan!”

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?
A: Who else would follow a chicken?

Q. Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree? A. He was dead!!!

Q. What’s the difference between a women’s track team and a tribe of pygmies?
A. The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease…

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the ‘Golden Archs Logo’.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell’s Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting “MOO” backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you’ll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells “Bullseye”!
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called “LaCream Abdul Milkbar”.
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.