Yours Fun Portal !
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”.
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, “My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?”
“Well,” said the vet “let’s have a look at him” The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
“Well,” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” say’s the man.
“No, because he’s heavy,” says the vet.
A guy comes home from work and as soon as he closes the door he hears his bed squeaking. He walks up the stairs and into the bedroom and finds his wife on top screwing his best friend. In a fit of rage, the guy goes and gets his gun and shoots his wife in the back of her head.
Feeling sudden remorse, he calls the police and tells him what he did. When the police arrive and he explains what happened, the officer asks if he shot his best friend as well.
“No” he replies.
“Did you say anything to him?” the officer asked.
“Yes” he replies.
“Well, what did you say to him?” the officer asked.
“Bad Dog!”
How many skunks does it take to stink up a room?
A phew.
A baby Camel goes up to its mother and says “Why do we have long eyelashes,” and the mother reply”To stop sand getting in our eyes.”
A few moments later the baby camel comes up to his mother and askes” why do we have long toes” and the mother replys” To stop us from sinking in the sand.”
A few moments later the baby camel walke up to his anyoed mother and say”Why do we have these humps on our back” and the mother replys to store water in them.”
“So we have eyelashed to stop sand from getting in our eyes, long toes to stop us sinking in the sand and humps to store water in, but mum, why are we in London zoo?
Q. There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope, what’s the other one doing?
A. Sniffing crack.
Some Thoughts…
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics….
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the Mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY timesin arow?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with methirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”
Then the young fellow asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
“Flight 1234,” the control tower advised, “turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.””Roger,” the pilot responded, “but we’re at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?””Sir,” the radar man replied, “have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?”
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.
So, the females yelled at the male parrots, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?”
One male parrot said to the other, “Put the Bibles away! We’ve made it to heaven!”
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled, “Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” says the psychic, “I see… a biology class.”
A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, ‘Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?’ A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, ‘It’s my dog. Why?’ ‘Well,’ squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, ‘I believe my dog just killed it, sir.’ ‘What?’ roared the big man in disbelief. ‘What in the hell kind of dog do you have?’ ‘Sir,’ answered the little man, ‘It’s a four week old puppy.’ ‘Bull!’ roared the biker, ‘How could your puppy kill my Doberman?’ ‘It appears that he choked on it, sir.’