Category: animals

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey
on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says “I’ll show you,” and with that he hits the monkey with the
back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his
unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts
everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

“See that?” said the trucker.

The man said, “Yeah.”

The trucker ask the man, “You want to try it?”

The man said, “OK, but don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!”

Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin’ about them. First one says “My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker.” The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine. Next one says “My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker” The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges. Third one says “My dog is called iron worker” he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. “Now,” he says “I’ll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door.”

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, “May I
help you, sir?”
The duck says, “Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.”

old mcdonlald has a roster the roster travels to canada and lays an egg so wich side does it belong to?

Harry starts his new job at the zoo and he is given three tasks, the first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. Harry starts on this when suddenly a bloody great fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death. Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the fish to the lions.

Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clearout the monkey house. Harry gets stuck in and a couple of chimps start throwing shit at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is shitting himself, so what does he do? he feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo, it wanders up to another lion and asks ‘what’s the food like here?’ the other lion responds, “Absolutely brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees!”

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A. It doesn’t matter what you call him, he can’t come.

Three mice walk into a bar and sit down, one right after the
other. They order a round of Vodka for themselves and start to
talk.

The first mouse guzzles the drink and says, “I set off mouse
traps just for fun.”

Then the second mouse drinks his and says, “Oh yeah? I ground up
those poison pills they try to give us and snort ’em.”

Then, the third mouse gulps down his drink, puts his coat on,
and walks out. The other two mice yell, “Where in the Hell do
you think you’re goin’?”

The mouse replys: “To go fuck the cat.”

how many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb? I dont know when you turn on the light they all scatter.

An explorer was flying over Africa and his plane crashed.
Luckily a witch doctor came and found him and brought him back
to his village. When the explorer became conscious again the
witch docter told the explorer, “I have some good news and some
bad news.” So the explorer says, “Well, whats the bad news?”
“The bad news is that in the plane crash you lost your eye, your
arm, and your dingy.” The explorer asks, “Whats the good news?”
“I am a animal transplanter and when you were unconscious I
trasplanted animal parts to you.” The explorer asks, “Is there
any way I can thank you???” “Just check in with me in 2 weeks.”

When the explorer goes back to see the witch docter he says, “I
love this eye I can see a sparrow scratching his ass 40 yards
away!! what is it???” “That eye would be an eagle eye.” “Oh I
love it. And this arm I can lift a car with this arm!!! What is
it???” “That’s a gorilla arm.” “I like this one too. There is
only one thing wrong about the dingy you gave me.” “Well what
seems to be the problem?” “You see, I love it, the ladies love
it, but it keeps shoving grass up my ass?? What is it???” “That
would be an elephant trunk.”

Q. What do you get when you cross a female deer and a pickle?
A. A dildoe.

A duck went to a shop went up one aisle downt the other up one down the other then he went over to a shopkeeper and asked do you have any duck food? the shopkeeper said no the next day the duck came back to the shop and went up one aisle and down the other up one and down the other he went over to the shopkeeper and asked do u have any duck food the shopkeeper said no and if you ever ask again then im going to nail your feet down the duck came back the next day and did the same thing but when it came to asking whether he had and duck food he asked instead do you have any nails? the shopkeeper said no then the duck asked do you have any duck food? lol it is funni