Category: animals

City-boy Todd went to visit his friend Tom in the country. “You
look pale,” Tom said. “You need some sun. Why don’t you take my
rifle and my two Retrievers and go do some hunting?” Todd had
never hunted before, but decided to do as his friend suggested.
Fifteen minutes later, he was back. “That was fun!” Todd gushed.
“So why’d you come back?” Tom asked. “I need more dogs to hunt,”
Todd said.

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.

Unfortunately, the old man’s language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.

“There,” he said. “Maybe he’ll cool off in there.”

For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent.

A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, “If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary.”

Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke.

“If you don’t mind, may I ask what the chicken did?”

A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can’t get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they’re busy.
Climb your way to the top, that’s why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, “I care”.

Who do donkeys journey to the top of the mountain to see?
The Wiseass.

What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
Dam!

yo mama so fat she has more rolls then a bakery.

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbour’s lawn; ‘Horse for Sale’. Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbour’s stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine-looking stallion. ‘Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale.’ Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. ‘Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale.’ ‘This horse here?’ quizzes the old farmer, ‘Why he’s a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?’ ‘Well,’ sighs the Italian farmer, ‘He no looka so good anymore.’ The old farmer, convinced that his neighbour has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. ‘That ol’ cheat sold me a near blind horse!’ growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbour a piece of his mind. ‘You sold me a near blind horse you ol’ cheat and you didn’t even tell me!’ he screams. ‘Eh! I tolla you!’ cries the Italian farmer, ‘I say, ‘he no looka so good anymore!’ ‘

Famous interpretations of “Why did the Chicken cross the road?”

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please…

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him down!

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we’ll find out.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what “they” call it: the “other side”. Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Regan:
What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you’re telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it’s true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
“Kitty box crunchies” are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.

one day mrs. flatnose was getting ready for work when all of a sudden she heard a high piched voice singing when so she went up stairs to see what it was when she got up there she only saw her cat mrs.kitten so then she went back down then she heard it again so she went up then there is the kitty just sitting there so she picks up the kitty and says with a smile do you know who was singing that the kitten smiles.she gaspes with fear she falls and faints the kitty sings some xmas songs as she laid there

the end

Q. Why did the 1st koala fall out of the tree?

A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree?

A. Because the first koala knocked it out on his way down.