Category: animals

What do you call a bear without an ear?
A B!

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said ‘Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they’re dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?’.

Then the second Snake says “Why do you ask?”

The 1st one replies: “I just bit my lip!”

15> After the prom, he insists on taking you to the top of the Empire State Building.

14> Instead of leaving it in the dumpster, carries her newly delivered baby to the top of the nearest fake palm tree and flings it into the horror-stricken crowd.

13> The evening ends in the ER after she tries to peel your erection.

12> Pins the corsage to your lapel with her feet.

11> Arrives to pick you up on a unicycle.

10> Day job is as typist in office with 999,999 other playwrights.

9> His apish hooting and chair throwing have offended even Bobby Knight.

8> Insists you call him Doctor Zaias.

7> Just as you’re about to let him get to second base during the slow dance, Charlton Heston bursts in and screams, “Get your paws off her, you DAMN DIRTY APE!!”

6> Tux? Check.

Corsage? Check.

Diaper and roller skates? Uh-oh.

5> Keeps threatening people with “Just wait until my next bowel movement!”

4> Ends the evening early by saying, “I’m sorry, Pongo, but I promised Mrs. Goodall I’d have you back by Midnight.”

3> It takes ten chaperones waving shiny objects to get her down from the scoreboard.

2> When the DJ played “Shock The Monkey,” he curled into a fetal position and screamed, “I’M NOT GOING BACK!”

1> You have your assistant Jim loosen her up with tranquilizer darts before the big slow dance.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

WHAT A DOG THINKS
Wow, these people feed me, bathe me, pet me, shelter me – they must be gods!

WHAT A CAT THINKS
Wow, these people feed me, bathe me, pet me, shelter me – I must be a god!

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert
outpost. On
his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out
back
of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,
“What’s the camel for?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long
way from
anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we
have the
camel.” The Captain said “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess
it’s
all right with me.” After he had been at the fort for about 6 months,
the
Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN
THE
CAMEL!!!” The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the
Captain’s quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have
vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the
stool
and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the
enlisted
men do it?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it
to ride
into town.”

A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful bunny was dead.The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. ”I feel terrible,” he explained. ”I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”The woman told the man not to worry. She said she knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. Then she walked over to the limp, dead bunny and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the firry little animal. Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, gathered the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road.Fifty yards away, the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards. Then he turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards, turned and waved again. The man was astonished. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what could have been in that woman’s spray can. So he asked her: ”What in heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?”The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ”Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

A man stranded on an island builds a raft to try to escape to
another island where people may be living hopeing to get help
back to the America. The man was terribly afraid of sharks so
upon approaching another island, he spots a man and calls out to
him, “are there any sharks in the water?” the second man calls
back “no”.

The first man then proceeds to leap into the water so as to swim
ashore, halfway there he yells out to the man on the
island…”why arn’t there any sharks in the water?”

The man replys, “Because the alligators ate them.”

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he’s gone.I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd.

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

A guy goes down south to be a farmer because it’s his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says, “We don’t call ’em roosters, we call ’em cocks.”
“Okay” the man says. “I’ll take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.”

“We pronounce it rubbit says the clerk.”
“Okay, I’ll take those two things and a mule to carry them home.”

“We don’t call ’em mules, we call ’em asses and every time the ass stops walkin’, just scratch behind his ear.”

So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. He’s walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.

The man sees a lady passing by and asks, “Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?”

A mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food. The waiter says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me the food?”

“Deal!”

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The waiter says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another.

“Money or another miracle,” says the waiter. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant.

The waiter says to the guy, “Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions.”

“Not so”, says the guy, “the hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

very nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.

The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari.

The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.

The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.

The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.

The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.

The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-
6.

The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant.

The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.

The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.