Yours Fun Portal !
A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.
They must be Gods!”
A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a
God!”
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the
pause.
Q. Why does a dog lick his balls?
A. Because he can’t make a fist.
a fireman was cleaning the fire engine one day when he noticed a little girl across the street. she was busy cleaning her little red wagon which was fixed to look like a fire engine, ladder and all. the fireman walked across the street to admire the wagon. as he came close he noticed the power source was a large dog with a rope around his neck. he also noticed a cat with a string tied around its balls. the fireman thought this strange, so he said to the little girl,” would not it be better to tie that string around the cats neck?”. the little girl replied, “well that would be stupid, because what would i use for a siren?”.
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.
The bartendar just frowns and says, “Look buddy, we can’t have any dogs sitting up at the bar.”
The owner retorts, “But this is no ordinary dog.” The bartendar doesn’t budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.
The owner protests, “Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.”
The bartendar says, “Yeah right buddy.
Okay, why don’t you and your talking dog leave the bar?”
The owner says, “Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.”
So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.
So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, “Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?”
The dog says, “No problem”, and gets up and leaves.
The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.
Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, “Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?”
To which the dog replies, “Because I have never had $20 before.”
14> Lost and Found? You don’t happen to have any unclaimed testicles lying around, do you? 13> A double please. Mr. Cottontail and I always have more children by bedtime. 12> Hello, front desk? Room service forgot to leave my room like a pig sty! 11> This place is exquisite! No wonder Michelin gave it a five-turd rating! 10> Don’t touch the mini bar, Fluffy. $15 for catnip, my ass. 9> Why on earth would they put a bidet right next to the drinking bowl?! 8> I tried to check out, but the clerk kept saying, ‘Stay.’ 7> Hey, concierge, there’s a hundred in it for you if you can scare me up some poodle. Another hundred if she’s French. 6> Why, of course moths are welcome here! We’ll leave the light on for ya. 5> Every time I try to get a total of how many sheep have checked in, I fall asleep. 4> Good morning, Mr. Bear! This is your springtime wakeup call. 3> As for your room keys, sir, this one’s for you, and THIS one’s for the horse you rode in on! 2> No thanks, I’ll carry the trunk myself. 1> … and then it hits me: He’s just a Vegas dork with a microphone and *I’m* a Siberian tiger! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.
The first said, “The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it’s got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.”
The second shook his head and said “Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain’t nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.”
The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, ” No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.”
The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.
The gentleman slowly began to explain, ” A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an ‘gator head on the other”
“WAIT ! interrupted the others, “If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?”
The reply was simply,” He don’t, that’s what makes him so mean”.
Q. What is green and smells like pork?
A. Kermit’s finger.
14> By sharpening his claws on the chair leg, he’s carved a pretty good likeness of Joaquin Phoenix.
13> Recent hairballs include alarmingly large chunks of postman.
12> “I’m not Fluffy anymore; call me Muhammad al Fluf-Rahim.”
11> Catches mice, only to keep them as pets.
10> Starts sending you parts of the dog through the mail.
9> Created a bunker in his litter box.
8> Stacks his hairballs into the shape of Devil’s Tower, Wyoming.
7> Has bet it all on the Cubs winning the series this year.
6> That slight “off” smell before it hits the wok.
5> Can’t stop purring “Helter Skelter.”
4> Now kills mice by sending them through your wood chipper.
3> While cleaning the litter box, you find the bodies of several drifters.
2> Goes on long rants about how the country is really controlled by Jewish dogs.
1> He just coughed up a brainball.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Lindsey:Are dog has no nose
Susie:Poor Dog,How does he smell
Lindsey:Awww,Terrible.
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.
He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, “How deep is this hole?” The farmer said, “Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?”
The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, “No.” The farmer said, “Oh well. He can’t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.”
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMASOn the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me…….. A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter…. Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies. On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me…….. On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn’t. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3′ curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers. On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me…….. 13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know the was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax. On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me…….. A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99 On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me…….. The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy’s blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven’t seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall! On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me…….. The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara’s stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Sara can’t unravel. On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me…….. The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesn’t have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax. On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me…….. Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn’t get out the way I came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents. On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me…….. My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer’s delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country’s 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don’t know what happened to the listings of B through H. On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me…….. The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn’t be such a disaster if she hadn’t previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week’s worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ Rental of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’: $2; purchase of book, ‘Good owners, great cats’: $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me…….. The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: ‘Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?’ Cost: Christmas Dinner. On the 12th day of Christmas…….. Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.