Yours Fun Portal !
A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.
They must be Gods!”
A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a
God!”
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the
pause.
Q. Why does a dog lick his balls?
A. Because he can’t make a fist.
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.
The bartendar just frowns and says, “Look buddy, we can’t have any dogs sitting up at the bar.”
The owner retorts, “But this is no ordinary dog.” The bartendar doesn’t budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.
The owner protests, “Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.”
The bartendar says, “Yeah right buddy.
Okay, why don’t you and your talking dog leave the bar?”
The owner says, “Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.”
So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.
So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, “Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?”
The dog says, “No problem”, and gets up and leaves.
The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.
Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, “Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?”
To which the dog replies, “Because I have never had $20 before.”
a fireman was cleaning the fire engine one day when he noticed a little girl across the street. she was busy cleaning her little red wagon which was fixed to look like a fire engine, ladder and all. the fireman walked across the street to admire the wagon. as he came close he noticed the power source was a large dog with a rope around his neck. he also noticed a cat with a string tied around its balls. the fireman thought this strange, so he said to the little girl,” would not it be better to tie that string around the cats neck?”. the little girl replied, “well that would be stupid, because what would i use for a siren?”.
14> Lost and Found? You don’t happen to have any unclaimed testicles lying around, do you? 13> A double please. Mr. Cottontail and I always have more children by bedtime. 12> Hello, front desk? Room service forgot to leave my room like a pig sty! 11> This place is exquisite! No wonder Michelin gave it a five-turd rating! 10> Don’t touch the mini bar, Fluffy. $15 for catnip, my ass. 9> Why on earth would they put a bidet right next to the drinking bowl?! 8> I tried to check out, but the clerk kept saying, ‘Stay.’ 7> Hey, concierge, there’s a hundred in it for you if you can scare me up some poodle. Another hundred if she’s French. 6> Why, of course moths are welcome here! We’ll leave the light on for ya. 5> Every time I try to get a total of how many sheep have checked in, I fall asleep. 4> Good morning, Mr. Bear! This is your springtime wakeup call. 3> As for your room keys, sir, this one’s for you, and THIS one’s for the horse you rode in on! 2> No thanks, I’ll carry the trunk myself. 1> … and then it hits me: He’s just a Vegas dork with a microphone and *I’m* a Siberian tiger! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.
The first said, “The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it’s got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.”
The second shook his head and said “Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain’t nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.”
The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, ” No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.”
The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.
The gentleman slowly began to explain, ” A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an ‘gator head on the other”
“WAIT ! interrupted the others, “If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?”
The reply was simply,” He don’t, that’s what makes him so mean”.
Q. What is green and smells like pork?
A. Kermit’s finger.
Lindsey:Are dog has no nose
Susie:Poor Dog,How does he smell
Lindsey:Awww,Terrible.
14> By sharpening his claws on the chair leg, he’s carved a pretty good likeness of Joaquin Phoenix.
13> Recent hairballs include alarmingly large chunks of postman.
12> “I’m not Fluffy anymore; call me Muhammad al Fluf-Rahim.”
11> Catches mice, only to keep them as pets.
10> Starts sending you parts of the dog through the mail.
9> Created a bunker in his litter box.
8> Stacks his hairballs into the shape of Devil’s Tower, Wyoming.
7> Has bet it all on the Cubs winning the series this year.
6> That slight “off” smell before it hits the wok.
5> Can’t stop purring “Helter Skelter.”
4> Now kills mice by sending them through your wood chipper.
3> While cleaning the litter box, you find the bodies of several drifters.
2> Goes on long rants about how the country is really controlled by Jewish dogs.
1> He just coughed up a brainball.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.
He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, “How deep is this hole?” The farmer said, “Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?”
The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, “No.” The farmer said, “Oh well. He can’t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.”
One fine day Mister Rabbit goes running around the forest.
He sees a giraffe rolling a joint. “Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead!”
So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing lines. Says the rabbit: “Elephant, elephant, why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.”
So the elephant stops and goes running with the two. Then they come across a lion preparing a syringe. “Lion, lion,” cries the rabbit, “Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.”
The lion, with a mighty roar, bangs the rabbit to smithereens.
“No!” the giraffe and the elephant cry. “Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!”
The lion replied, “Damn rabbit always makes me run around the friggin’ forest when he’s on speed!”