Category: animals

19. Can’t stick our heads out of Windows 95.

18. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

17. Hard to read the monitor with our heads cocked to one side.

16. Too difficult to “mark” every website we visit.

15. Can’t help attacking the screen when we hear “You’ve got mail!”.

14. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

13. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway that we’re browsing http://www.purina.com!

12. Not fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an ’emoticon’ that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

8. ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other paw…

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating owner’s voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test!

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough; GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets might difficult to maneuver.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.

2. General sniffing, growls, and howls are more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

1. Tro[gO DsR],bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WelJTyH PAzWqS;(Too Darn Hard To Type With Paws)

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To show the squirrel it CAN be done!

so a bear and a rabbit find a jenie in a forest and it says I will grant each of you 3 wishes starting with you rabbit so the rabbit says I want a leather jacket and a Harly Davidson motorcycle

and the bear goes why the heck would you want that- I wish all the bears in this forest where feamale- whoohoo!

I wish I had a Harly Davidson hat says the rabbit

I wish all the bears in this whole country where feamale and the bear slicks back his hair

the jenie looks at the rabbit and the rabbit says Oh Im thinking-you can ask him and he points to the bear

I wish all the bear in the world where feamales

the jenie points looks back to the rabbit and the rabbit says Uh-I whish the bear was gay and he hops on the motorcycle and drives off.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark… Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog takes the middle seat, and his handler explains that they work for the airline.

“Don’t mind Rover,” the handler says, “he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.”

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.” He tells the dog, “Rover, search!”

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm. He says, “Good boy!”

He turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”

“Fantastic!” replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm. The handler says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this, and the seat number.”

“Wow!” says the first man.

Once again, the handler sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat, and rolls over and plays dead!!!!!

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, “What the heck was THAT for???!!”

The handler replies, “He just found a bomb.”

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Prove it.”

He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.”

He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can’t tell.”

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!!

My husband had to take my son’s hampster to the vet. Here’s
what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell my husband
there was “something wrong” with one of the two hampsters he
holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick”, he said. “I’m serious
Dad, can you help?”

He put his best hampster-healer expression on his face and
followed our son into his bedroom. One of the little rodents
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. He immediately
knew what to do.

“Honey”, he called, “come look at the hampster!”

“Oh my gosh!” I realized after a minute. “She’s having babies!”

“What?” our son demanded. “but their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!”

My husband was euqally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce” He accused me.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” I
enquired. (being totally sarcastic)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” He reminded me (in
his best loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting his teeth)

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie” our son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know.”
I informed him. (again with the sarcasm)

By now, the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on.

I shrugged, and decided to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a woundrous experience!” I
announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“OH, GROSS!!!” They shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little hampster babies?” My husband wanted to
know. (Being totally snotty)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot appeared briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress.” My husband noted.

“It’s breech!” I whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” our son urged.

“Okay, okay!” Squeamishly, he reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly pull, but it
vanished again with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” our eldest daughter wanted to know.
“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet.” My husband said grimly.

We drove to the vet with our son holding he cage in his lap.

“Breath, Ernie, breath,” he urged.

“I don’t think hampsters do Lamaze.” I said to him. (I think my
husband thought I was being cruel to my own son, being cruel to
my husband was one thing, but to the one that I carried for 9
months is another. HE was wrong, I was just pointing out the
obvious!)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a c-section?” My husband suggested
very scientifically.

“Oh, very interresting,” he murmured.

“Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?”

I gulped, nodding for our son to step out.

“Is Ernie going to make it?” I asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us.

“This hamspter is not in labour. In fact, that isn’t EVER going
to happen…Ernie is a boy!”

“WHAT!?”

“You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they
um…..er…..masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
back.”

He blushed, glancing at me.

“Well, you know what I’m saying Mr. Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this. “So Ernie’s just excited?” I
offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then, I started to giggle, and then laugh and continue to laugh
loudly.

“What’s so funny?” My husband demanded, while tears started
rolling down my face from laughing so hard.

“It’s just….that…I’m picturing you pulling on
it’s…it’s…teeny little…” I gasped for more air to bellow
with laughter once more.

“That’s enough!” He warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hampter
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad.” our
son told my husband.

“Oh, you have NO idea, son,” I agreed, collapsing into laughter
once again.

Q: Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,”I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that’s why I’m here”.

The next dog said,”I peed on my masters $1,000 rug”.

The next dog then comes in and say’s,”My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!”.

“And that’s why you’re here?” asked the other dogs. “No, I’m getting my nails clipped.”

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is…When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I m completely nude.”

With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, “Mama needs new clothes.” Then she yells, “YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON.”

She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll, anyway?”

The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching.”

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.