Category: american

One day little Bill’s parets were having a party. The family
was very busy so his mom told him to go play outside, but DON’T
go anywhere near the Dirty Wall. Bill goes to play and goes to
the dirty wall, disobeying his mother. While at the wall he
sees the word “shit” so he goes back to his house and asks his
brother Matt what the word meant,” er….um… the word
means…ummm…. food, yes food, shit means food.” says his 19
year old brother, so he says ok bye and goes back to the wall.
now he sees the word “assholes” so he goes home and asks is
sister Kirsty what assholes meant, ” umm…it means…um…
people, ya thats it people, but if anyone asks i never told you”
so he says ok and goes back to the wall, he sees “fucking” so he
asks his cousin, what does fucking mean, his cousin goes baserk,
but says ” umm u shouldnt know this but umm, lets just say it
means getting ready, yes it means GETTING READY! he says okay
and right when he was gonna go back to the dirty wall for the
fourth time the guests arive, his mom, yelling from upstairs,
tells him to open the door, and he says,” Hello assholes, my
name is Bill your probably coming for the party, well my mom and
dad are upstairs fucking but they’ll be down here in a few
minutes cause they’ve been up there for hours! Anyway there’s
some really good shit on the table that my mom made before she
started fucking with my dad that you can eat and they’ll be down
any minute now.”

If the entire population of China jumped off of a 1 foot step
ladder at the exact same moment, an earthquake of 10 on the
Richter scale would be felt in the United States of America.

But, since the population of China is three times that of the
US, if the entire population of the USA jumped off of a
three-foot step ladder at the same time, at the exact right
moment, that earthquake would be sent back to China.

A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a
restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so
he starts a conversation.

He asks the Frenchman, “When you eat bread, do you eat all of
it?”

“Mais oui!, of course!” responds the Frenchman.

“Well,” says the American, “we only eat the soft part of it. The
rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through
a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.

“And what about steaks?” he continues. “Do you eat all parts of
them?”

“Bien sur! We do,” replies the Frenchman.

“You don`t say!” says the America, grinning. “We don`t! We only
eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in
containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what
comes out are little steaks that we sell in France.”

Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, “And what do
Americans do with their used condoms?”

“Hey, we throw them away of course,” says the American.

“Ha!” exclaims the Frenchman. “We collect them in containers,
take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes
out is chewing gum that we sell in America!”

There was an American and a british guy in a car whos driving?

THE COPS!

A Visitors’ Guide to Dallas, Texas
(Life in America’s fifth largest city)

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or
DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has
its own version of traffic rules….Hold on and pray. There is
no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all
drive like that.

3. All directions start with, “Go down to Beltline”…which has
no beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a
“scenic drive.”

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday
morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one
on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green
before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic’s way.

7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same
holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and
Routh Street.

8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of
entertainment.

9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh,
we’re in Fort Worth!!”

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably
a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the
right of way.

12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross
intersections. Unless you’re on Storey Rd……

13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of
Spanish.

14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal
buildings connected by one tram that never works.

15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of
four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted
minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas
North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright
sissy.

16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn’t
ornamental.

17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker
that says,”Keep honking. I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at
anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given
right.

18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph
zone…people are not waving when they go by.

19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.

20. LBJ is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and
“trap.”

21. If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

22. If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live
Stock show is going on.

23. If it’s rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson
Golf Classic is in the second round.

24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports,
etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as
possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

One day a teacher announced to her 1st grade class that a
Democrat senator was coming in three weeks.
“Is there anything you all want to tell him?”
One little girl raised her hand.
“Yes, Susie?”
“Well, my dog just had puppies and they are ALL Democrates.”
“Wonderful!”

So finally he came and the teacher said “Susie, what did you
want to tell the senator?”

“Well, my dog had puppies three weeks ago.”

“And what are they?”

“They’re ALL Republican!”

“Susie, you told me they were all Democrates.”

“Yes, well, that was three weeks ago. They have their eyes open
now.”

An open letter to the rest of America:

America has engaged in some finger wagging lately because
California doesn’t have enough electricity to meet its needs.
The rest of the country (including George W. Bush’s energy
secretary Spencer Abraham, who wants Californians to suffer
through blackouts as justification for drilling for oil in
Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge) seems to be just fine
with letting Californians dangle in the breeze without enough
power to meet their needs. They laugh at Californians’
frivolity. Well, everybody. Here’s how it really is:

California ranks 48th in the nation in power consumed per
person. California grows more than half the nation’s fruit, nuts
and vegetables. We’re keeping them. We need something to eat
when the power goes out. We grow 99 percent or more of the
nation’s almonds, artichokes, dates, figs, kiwifruit, olives,
persimmons, pistachios, prunes, raisins and walnuts. Hope you
won’t miss them. California is the nation’s number one dairy
state. We’re keeping our dairy products. We’ll need plenty of
fresh ones since our refrigerators can’t be relied upon. Got
milk?

We Californians are gonna keep all our high-tech software in
state. Silicon Valley is ours, after all. Without enough
electricity, which you’re apparently keeping for yourselves, we
just plain don’t have enough software to spare. We’re keeping
all our airplanes. California builds a good percentage of the
commercial airliners available to fly you people to where you
want to go. When yours wear out, you’d better hope Boeing’s
Washington plant can keep you supplied. There isn’t enough
electricity here to allow us to export any more planes than we
need ourselves. And while we’re at it, we’re keeping all our
high tech aerospace stuff, too, like the sophisticated weapons
systems that let you sleep at night, not worried you might wake
up under the rule of some foreign kook. Oh, yeah, and if you
want to make a long-distance call, remember where the satellite
components and tracking systems come from. Maybe you could get
back in the habit of writing letters. Want to see a blockbuster
movie this weekend? Come to California. We make them here. Since
we’ll now have to make them with our own electricity, we’re
keeping them. Even if we shot them somewhere else, the labs,
printing facilities, editing facilities, and sound facilities
are all here.

Want some nice domestic wine? We produce over 17 million gallons
per year. We’ll need all of it to drown our sorrows when we
think about the fact that no matter how many California products
we export to make the rest of America’s lives better, America
can’t see its way clear to help us out with a little
electricity. You can no longer have any of our wine. You all
complain that we don’t build enough power plants. Well, you
don’t grow enough food, write enough software, make enough
movies, build enough airplanes and defense systems or make
enough wine. This is your last warning, America. Lighten (us) up
before it’s too late.

Love,
The Californians

“I love California – I practically grew up in Phoenix.” -Dan
Quayle

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off
his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns
that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are
those?”

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any
grasshoppers in Texas?”

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said “today I am
going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding
natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain
goats and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout,
forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with
an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon” God continued “I
shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I
shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most
friendly people on the earth” “But Lord” asked Gabriel “don’t you think
you are being too generous to these Canadians?” “Not really” replied God
“just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.”

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
———————————————————-
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs.
4. If there’s a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating
your sense of national pride.
9. You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
————————————————————–
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”
10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.
10a. When you’re not.
10b. At all.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
————————————————————
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Proper beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events due to
your extensive experience
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
10a. Or Scottish

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
———————————————————–
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
———————————————————–
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing.
6. Honesty
7. One sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes
and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls’ testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
———————————————————–
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
———————————————————
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
———————————————————
1. You’ve got to be having a laugh, haven’t you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
——————————————————
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can’t have sex with
a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don’t agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness in a pub that never closes.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning
after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
—————————————————————-
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in
their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
—————————————————————
1. Knowing your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized
nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance…

Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of
a skating rink…

Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke…

Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters…

Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the
garage…

Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone
we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…

Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight…

Only in America…do we use the word “politics” to describe the
process so well: “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics”
meaning “blood-sucking creatures”…

There is a tharapy calss for men who stutter. The teacher is a
very beautiful young woman. So the calss is for 1 year only, and
by the time that year is up, the three men who are in the class
will no longer stutter. Well, about 11 months went by and the
men were not stuttering as much. So in the 12th month, the woman
says,”well, this whole thing is almost over and you still
stutter. I know how i can get you to stop. I will ask you where
you’re from, and if you can tell me the city without stuttering,
i will have mad sex with you.”
The next class the woman asks the first man,”what city were you
born in?” The man says,” Nnnnnnew Yyyyyorrk.”
She asks the second man,”what city do you live in now?”
The man replies,”Pppppittsbbbburg.”
She asks the third man, “Where do you live now?”
The third man says,”Miami…”
They then make mad love for hours.
After they’re done, the man says,”Bbbbeach.”