Category: american

Your mama is so fat, that when she got on the ice to skate it
broke!!!

One time three people a canadian, a american, and a chinise
person. heard about a mountain that if you jumped of it and
said something you’d land in it. So they decided they’d try it
when the got there the American jumped of it and yelled money
and landed in millions of dollars. then the canadian ran and
jumped off and he yelled hot naked woman and he landed in a pile
of hot naked woman. Finally the chinse guy ran for the edge and
tripped yelled SHIT and he landed in a pile of shit.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and
orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately
gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!”

The German fellow felt embarrassed. However, he turned to the
New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to
chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.

“Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You
came here for the food!”

Does England have a fourth of July?

Yes, it also has a first and second.

AUG 12 Moved to our new home in upstate New York. It is so
beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait
to see them with snow on them. I love it here.

OCT 14 Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth.
The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and
orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw
some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most
wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone
wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow
soon. I love it here.

DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed
with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and
cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had
a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had
to shovel again. What a beautiful place. I love upstate New York.

DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his
trick again to the driveway. I love it here!

DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to
get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plow.

DEC 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got
blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides
around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling the
driveway. Asshole!

DEC 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get
my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, I
swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more
salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

DEC 27 More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except
for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through
every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of
white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of the
shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow
10″ is?

DEC 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34″ of that
white shit this time. At this rate it won’t melt before next
summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard
came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him
I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he
pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking
head.

JAN 4 Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get
food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car
and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking
beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all
last November.

MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the
thing is rusting out from that fucking salt they put all over
the road.

MAY 10 Moved to Georgia. I can’t imagine why anyone in their
right mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of New
York.

“Places I’d Rather Not Live In…”
Paradox, New York
Crapo, Maryland
Boogertown, North Carolina
Spasticville, Kansas
Hellhole, Idaho
Purgatory, Maine

What would Freud say about…

Climax, Michigan
Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
Needmore, Arkansas (Clinton’s Home Town?)
Hardup, Utah
Big Bogue Homo, Mississippi
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Hornytown, North Carolina
Conception Junction, Missouri

It doesn’t surprise me that there is a…

Rudeville, New Jersey
Boring, Oregon
Hell, Michigan
Hooker, California
Virgin, Utah
Dulls Corner, Maryland
Bowlegs, Oklahoma
Volcano, Hawaii
Beersville, Pennsylvania
Fleatown, Ohio
Burnt Corn, Alabama
Two Guns, Arizona
Toad Suck, Arkansas

Wow do Canadians spell their country????

Well…Americans spell it like C-A-N-A-D-A….

Then how do you spell it the canadian way…

Not very different just like this…C-AYE-N-AYE-D-AYE.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be
British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple
to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

What do Osama Bin Laden and pantyhose have in common?

They both irritate Bush.

And husband and wife are driving down the road and the wife says
“Honey, are you cheating on me?” He hesitates and says “Yes
dear, im so sorry” Then all the sudded the wife pulls her
husbands pocket knife out and cuts off his pecker and throughs
it out the window. Following behind them is a little girl and
her father. The pecker hits the wondow and bounces off. The
lillte girl says “Did you see that dad?!” The dad replys “yes
sweetie, it was a bug” Then the little girl says “Did you see
the size of the dick on that bug?!?!”

This joke is kinda lame but i was bored!!!

this girl went on a matchmaking website, and put an ad there.
after a week, three people had responded. so she told them her
address and gave each a time to stop by at her house. they had to
tell her the most interesting thing that happened to them this
week, and the one with the most interesting one is the person
she would go out with. so the next day the first guy showed up
while she was in the shower so she put on a towel and asked “so
what’s up?”. the
guy responded “my dog had puppies!”. she gave him a look and
slammed the door in his face. when the next guy arrived, she got
out of the shower put on the towel, and went out.she asked him
the same question that she asked the first guy. this person
resonded”i won a thousand dollars”! “Cool” was all she said, and
closed the door. when the last person arrived, she was still in
the shower. as she was about to put on the towel,she remebered
the guy was blind.”whats the use of a towel”?, she thought. as
she opened the door he was wearing dark sunglasses(the ones
where you can’t see out of them). she asked him the question,
and he said” well i just got back from the docter, and… I CAN
SEE!!!!”. he yanked off the glasses and he immediatly got a
boner, and started shouting”WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW,
THANK YOU GOD, OW BABY!!!

Your Mama is Like A(n)…
…Hardware store, 5 cents a screw.
…Ice Cream Cone, everyone gets a lick.
…Tube of Pringles, once you pop, you can’t stop.
…vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the
closet.
…Shotgun, two cocks and she’s loaded.
…Railroad Track, she gets laid all over the country.
…Door Knob, evryone gets a turn.
…Christmas Tree, everyone hangs balls on her.
…Lettuce, 25 cents a head.
…Tricycle, she’s easy to ride.
…McDonalds, over 5 million served world wide.
…Carpender’s dream, flat as a board and east to nail.
…Fan, she’s always blowing someone.
…5 Foot Basketball hoop, it ain’t that hard to score.
…Turtle, once she’s on her back she’s fucked.
…Birthday Cake, everyone gets a piece.
…Squirrel, she’s always got some nuts in he mouth.
…Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, there’s no wrong way to eat her.
…Bag of Potato Chips, ” Free-To-Lay “
…the Sun, look at her to long and you’ll go blind.
…Bowling Ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down the
gutter, and she still comes back for more.