ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You’ll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you’re fired.
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:”
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.
I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:”
I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I’M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.
I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I’m outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I’m a college drop-out.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don’t throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.