- “Filthy Stinking Rich… Well, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”
- “Real Men Don’t Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair”
- “I Used Up All My Sick Days… So I Called In Dead”
- “Husband and Cat Lost… Reward for Cat”
- “Be Nice to Your Children… They’ll Pick Your Nursing Home”
- “Husbands Should Come With Instructions”
- “Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”
- “Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, You’ll Still Go to Des Moines When You Die”
- “I Want It All and I Want It Delivered… Now ! “
- “Life Is Hard; Then Your Not Here “
- “Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same”
- “I’m Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man… I’ve Been Practicing Since 1949”
- “Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton”
- “Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt”
- “Learn from Your Parents’ Mistakes… Use Birth Control”
- “60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts… Make Offer”
- “If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees”
- “If You Can Read This…Kiss A Teecher”
- “A Nest Isn’t Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic”
- “That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!”
- “Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
- “My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink”
- “I Yell Because I Care”
- “If You Remember the ’60s, You Weren’t Really There”
- “Procrastinate Now”
- “Rehab Is for Quitters”
- “Re-Elect Nobody”
- (Across a drawing of a skeleton) “Waiting for the Perfect Man”
- “My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse… He Couldn’t do Better and I Couldn’t Do Worse”
- “My Dog Can Lick Anyone”
- “Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups”
- (On a baby-size shirt) “Party – My Crib – Two A.M.”
- “I Don’t Suffer from Insanity…. I’m a Carrier”
- “El Nino Made Me Do It”
- “The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley”
- “I’m Not 50. I’m $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling “
- “You Who Think You Know It All Are Damn Annoying to Those of Us Who Do”
- “I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About”
- “The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity”
- “I’m Not Getting Older….I’m Getting Meaner “
- “That Was Zen; This Is Tao”
- “Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word”
- “Aliens Have Examined My Internal Organs “
- “It IS As Bad As You Think, and They ARE Out to Get You”
- “I’m on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I’ve Lost 15 Days”
- “Why Is ‘Abbreviation’ Such a Long Word?”
- “There Are Three Kinds of People… Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can’t”
- “Familiarity Breeds”
- “Proofread Carefully to See If You Any Words Out”
- “Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, But You’re Still an idiot”
- “When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS”
- “Sometimes I Fantasize That I’m Rich Enough to Be a Republican”
- “I Killed a Six Pack Just to See It Die”
- “A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing But Mean Your Mother”
- “Disregard Last T-Shirt”
- “I Do Whatever the Voices Tell Me to Do”
- “I’m Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As I’m Gonna Get”
- “Growing Old Is Mandatory… Growing Up Is Optional”
- I’m Not 50–I’m 18 with 32 Years Experience”
- “Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young”
- “My Wife Says I Don’t Listen to Her…Well ? “
- “Over the Hill? What Hill? I Didn’t See Any Hill!”
- “I’m Not Unemployed… I’m a Consultant”
- “All I Ask Is That You Try Me “
- “Goodbye Tension… Hello Pension”