Author: admin

As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car?”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, they fell asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says, “Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” asked The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute, then says,”Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?” The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, sighs, then says,”Tonto, you moron, someone has stolen our tent.”

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I have found at old age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of their faces.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Japnese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I thought about being rich and it don’t mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac.

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, “Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from.”

I have decided that nostalgia is the VCR of our minds.

Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Curtis

Manejaba un hombre por un pueblo de gente conocida como muy poco inteligente junto a cuatro amigos en un viejo Renault 4. En medio de un puente se encuentran con un operativo caminero, un oficial los detiene y los interroga:

“Se�ores”, dice el oficial, “necesito ver la documentacion del veh�culo”.

“No hay problema, aqu� tiene.”

Despu�s de observar los papeles el oficial comenta:

“Bueno se�or, tendr� que levantar una infracci�n”.

“�Por qu�? Si todos los papeles est�n en orden.”

“�Claro que no, aqu� dice Renault 4 y ustedes son 5 pasajeros!”

“Pero oficial… el 4 es el modelo del automovil, no tiene nada que…”

“�Basta de discutir! �Aqu� solo pueden viajar 4 personas!”

“Pero es una locura que…”

“�BASTA HE DICHO! �Baje del veh�culo ahora mismo!”

“�Est� bien! �Est� bien! �Pero exijo hablar con el jefe del operativo!”

“Bueno, pero va a tener que esperar que termine de discutir con los dos pasajeros del Fiat Uno.”

1. You stand in “line-ups” at the movie, not lines.
2. You’re not offended by the term, “Homo Milk”
3. You understand the phrase, “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine”
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4’s mean “Party at the camp, eh!!”
8. You don’t hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a ‘teen.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12. You don’t know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it’s just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You’re not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don’t want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield – that is some small town in Quebec!
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and “taste like soap”.
22. You know that Mounties “don’t always look like that”
23. You read rather than scanned this list.