Q: How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? A: When your lawyer doesn’t seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation? A: A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance. Q: What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? A: Respect. Q: What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? A: They’re all slime. Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?A: To get to the car accident on the other side. Q: What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer? A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM. Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while “I’m gonna sue!” or “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? A: He would starve to death. Q: Why don’t hyenas eat lawyers?A: Even hyenas have some dignity.
Author: admin
Your Momma
Your momma is so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death!!
LIght Bulb
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Transference of Pain
One day a women was having a baby, and she asked the doctor “What can you do for the pain, for I’ve heard having a baby hurts a lot.”, then the doctor told her he had a option for her. She could transmit some of her pain to the father of the baby, so the women and her husband agreed to give it a try. So the doctor tried giving the husband 25% of the pain, and he felt no effect, so the doctor and the couple decided to give the husband 50% of the pain instead. Well, he still felt no pain, so the doctor increased it to 100% of the pain. In the end of the birth, the baby was crying, the mother relived to have no pain and the husband had felt no pain at all. In the next few days, they all came home from the hospital and found the mailman dead on the porch!
Have you ever eaten pork?
A Priest and a Rabbi were riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest
turned to the Rabbi and asked,
“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responded, “yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted pork.”
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father,
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain chaste?”
The Priest replied “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him,
“Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said,
“a lot better than pork isn’t it?”
Doctor’s request
A man complained to his wife, one morning, that he was too ill to go to work. When she asked him what was wrong, he replied that he had loose bowels, stomachache and pains in his genitals. His wife decided to telephone the doctor for advice and when she described his symptoms the doctor asked if she could call into the surgery with a sample of her husbands feces, urine and sperm.She went upstairs to her husband who asked her what the doctor had said. “Oh” she replied, “he wants me to bring in a pair of your undershorts!”
Ass Wipe
Your Mama’s so FAT,
she had to use the bed sheets to wipe her ass!!
The Coke Machine
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who’d been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up.”Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?”She looked at him and indignantly asked, “Well Duh! Can’t you see I’m still winning?”
Midget in Nudist Colony
Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?
A: He kept sticking his nose in everyone else’s business!
What’s the difference between sorority girls and g
What’s the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
Viagra Powders
A woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband couldn�t make love to her. The doctor said try this new viagra powder, just put some in his coffee and see how you get on. A week later the woman went back to her doctor and the doctor asked how the powder had worked. The wife said it was wonderful I put the powder in his coffee and right away he ripped my clothes off spread-eagled me on the table the mugs and plates went crashing everywhere. He made mad passionate love to me it was the best sex I have ever had. The only problem is I don�t think we can go to that coffee shop any longer.
Una pareja va al cine;
Una pareja va al cine; en la entrada una mujer se les acerca:
“�Quieren un ramo de flores para la se�orita?”
“No, gracias”.
“�Quieren algunos dulces? Son baratos”.
“No, gracias, no queremos nada”.
“�Tal vez un paquete de palomitas de ma�z? Est�n reci�n hechas”.
“�No, no, no! �No queremos NADA!”
Entonces, maliciosamente la mujer suelta:
“�En esta pel�cula el asesino es el chofer!”