Author: admin

A un m�dico se le descompone el coche en una noche de tormenta en medio de una ruta perdida. El hombre ve una lucecita a lo lejos y va hacia all� a pedir ayuda. Cuando llega, encuentra dentro un mont�n de gente llorando:

“�Que se nos muere la ni�a, que se nos muere la ni�a!”

As� que el galeno va a examinar a la ni�a, que era una recia mocetona, y pide que los dejen solos para auscultarla. Al salir, emite su diagn�stico:

“Lo que esta joven tiene es una tremenda calentura, y si no se la folla alguien enseguida, se va a morir”.

La familia, por supuesto, arma un gran esc�ndalo; pero como el m�dico no se mueve de su diagn�stico y el tiempo apremia, llaman al novio de la moza, que viene y se pasa foll�ndola toda la noche.

A la ma�ana siguiente, la joven se levanta fresca como una rosa, y la familia no sabe c�mo agradecerle al doctor. Le ayudan a reparar el coche y �ste sigue su camino.

Un a�o despu�s, el doctor pasa por la misma ruta, se acuerda de la familia y va a saludarlos y ver c�mo va todo. Al entrar en la casa, se los encuentra a todos de luto.

“Es que se nos ha muerto el abuelo”, le explican.

“�Y llamaron a alg�n m�dico? �Le dieron alg�n tratamiento?”

“�Pues claro! Se lo foll� todo el pueblo, pero no hubo caso…”

Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?

A: Someone stole the book.

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer’s studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader’s lines, and didn’t know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

* Cat’s urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80’s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays it’s home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver”.

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright’s son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers –they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

* The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan”

An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an idea. He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said, ”Go off and experience with each other whatever you’ve wanted to do for all these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears off.” Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him. The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, ”For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance!” With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, ”The old man’s right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I’ll crap on them!”

A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

P.S: Sure is hot down here.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, ”I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”