The Calf

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year
old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, “Great. He’s four and I’m gonna have to start
explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him
ask, and I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son,
do you have any questions?”

“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

White House Intern Application

Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America’s
best and brightest to the Nation’s Capitol to help the “Head Man” do his job. We
expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding,
yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the
hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America’s movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won’t show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

Sounds like it’s for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former
intern:

“I couldn’t believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones
and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in
executive branch affairs is just fantastic.”

— M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot
debates and touchy national issues.

Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White
House at [email protected]

Name: _________________________

Hometown: _____________________

Sex: F_____ Age: __

Measurements: __ __

(required for medical purposes)

How many beers it takes to get you…

…Giggly:

…Drunk:

…Hot:

…To lie to a federal prosecutor:

Quick quiz:
You’ve always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You’ve always wanted to know more about the President’s:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) “monument to democracy”

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House

Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of
16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.

Uncle Sam wants you.

*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.

Addicted To AOL

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if…

…..Tech Support calls “You” for help.
…..Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
…..You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
…..You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out”
…..you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino’s
…..you’ve ever typed “drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone”
…..you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it
…..you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
…..you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
…..when someone says “What did you say?” you reply “Scroll up!”
…..you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
…..you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family’s.
…..you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
…..you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
…..you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)
…..you’re broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one
…..you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room
…..you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time
…..you won’t work at a job that doesn’t have a modem involved
….you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists
….you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy
….you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours
….you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one…hehehe)
….your buddy list has over 100 people on it
….you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee
….you wait 6 hours online for a certain “special” person to sign on
….you don’t know where the time has gone
….you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
….your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had
….you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead
….you don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo
….when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***
….you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
….your voicemail/answering machine message is “BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL”
….you type faster than you think
….being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult
…you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say “BRB” or “BBL”
….you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
…you’ve gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers
….you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
…you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name
…your last sexual experience was really just a “textual” experience

Despu�s de quedarse sin dinero,

Despu�s de quedarse sin dinero, un hombre se encuentra afuera de un casino en San Jos� y a las cuatro de la ma�ana para un taxi:

“Buenas. Mire, tengo un problema: necesito que me lleve a Cartago. No tengo dinero aqu� para pagarle, por lo que he pensado que usted me deja en la puerta de mi casa, vivo en un primer piso; subo y le bajo el dinero”.

“No, esa mierda no me la creo”, responde el taxista.

“Vamos, que necesito que me lleve, que no tengo nada de plata aqu�…”

“Que no, que no te llevo, que te vayas caminando”.

Finalmente, el tipo lleg� a Cartago como pudo. Al cabo de un mes vuelve a ir al mismo casino y le va de maravilla y se gana 500 mil colones. Sale del casino otra vez a las cuatro de la ma�ana para coger un taxi y ve que hay una cola de 20 taxis por lo menos y se da cuenta que el �ltimo de todos era el del otro d�a, y dijo para s� mismo:

“A este hijueputa hoy si me lo jodo”.

Va con el primer taxista:

“Hola, buenas noches. Le doy 20 mil colones si me lleva a Cartago, pero con una condici�n”.

“S�, s�, la que sea, la que sea”, acepta el conductor.

“Que cuando lleguemos all� me la chupes”.

“�Qu� va, que va. B�scate a otro!”

El segundo taxi:

“Hola, �qu� tal? Le doy 20 mil colones si me lleva a Cartago con una condici�n”.

“S� hombre, lo que sea, �qu� tengo que hacer?”

“Que cuando lleguemos all� me la chupes”.

“�L�rguese antes que lo pichasee todo!”

As� se tir� toda la cola y cuando llega al �ltimo, que era el del otro d�a, le dice:

“Mira, te doy 20 mil colones si me llevas a Cartago, pero con una condici�n”.

“S�, claro, la que sea”.

“Que cuando pases por delante de todos estos taxis saques la mano y grites: �Voy para Cartago, voy para Cartago!”

Suena el tel�fono del lujoso

Suena el tel�fono del lujoso departamento de la emperifollada, Marilolis de los Monteros:

“�Est� la se�orita de los Monteros? “

“S�, pero ahorita esta cagando”, responde la f�mula.

“�Oh, disculpe!”

D�as despu�s se encuentran las amigas:

“�Ay, manita, t� ser�s muy fina y de mucha alcurnia pero tu sirvienta es de lo peor!”

“�Por qu� me dices eso?”

“Es que hace unos d�as te habl� y me contest� una vulgaridad. Me dijo: bzzz, bzzz, bzzz… �Te imaginas cuando te llame tu prometido, el millonario ese?”

“�Ay, no!”

De regreso a su departamento, rega�a a la criada.

“�Lencha, cuando vuelvas a contestar y yo est� en el ba�o, di que estoy en una reuni�n!”

“S�, se�orita”.

Al rato, suena el tel�fono:

“�Me comunica con Marilolis, por favor?”

“Ahorita no puede contestar, acaba de entrar a una reuni�n”.

“�Y tardar� mucho?”

“Pos yo creo que no, porque ya iba por el pasillo pedorre�ndose”.

Ear Problems?

A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked “Yes, Sir. May we help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.” he said.

“We do not use language like that here,” she said.

“Please go outside and come back in and say there’s something wrong with your ear or whatever.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t fucking piss out of it.” the man replied.