What do you call a pollock with half a brain?
Gifted
Author: admin
Three men making wishes
There were these three men who were walking on a bridge.
They found a magic lamp and they all received one wish each.
The genie in the lamp said that when the make there wish, they must jump
Off the bridge and they will receive their wish. The first man wished to
Be turned into a bird. He jumped off the bridge and turned into a beautiful
parrot.
The second man wished to be a blade of grass. He jumped off the bridge
and fell to the ground
As a blade of grass. As the third man was stepping up to the edge of the
bridge to make his wish,
He tripped over a rock and screamed, ” s***!”
And as he fell to the ground, he was turned into a pile of s***.
He could fly
One night, an 87 year old woman came home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and pushed her husband off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, the fall killed him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say.
“Your honor,” she began, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw, then he could definately fly!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Darwin Strikes Again
Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Ro`ert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.
According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later.
They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife.
The “soft” bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence.
This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend `y a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries. “So that’s how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be” said Commissioner Appleton.
Na a a a a ah
A traveling salesman was driving down a country road one day and saw a farmhouse. He says to himself, “That looks like a good place to peddle my pots and pans.
He pulls up in the driveway and goes up to the front door and knocks.
After waiting for what seems a reasonable amount of time he knocks again. Still no answer. As he starts to leave he notices a little boy playing in the back yard.
“Little boy. Is your mother home?”, shouts the salesman.
The little boy nodds in a beckoning fashion so the salesman follows him around the house and when he steps up on the back porch.
He looks through the window to see the little boys mother is in a back room getting it on with a billy goat.
The salesman says, “Little boy, do you know what your mother is doing in there?”
The little boys nodds again.
“That doesn’t bother you!” says the salesman in dismay.
The little boy says, “Na a a a a ah.”
Target
Your Mama is so fat she tripped over Walmart, Kmart and landed right on
Target.
Pat and Mike at the brewery.
Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there’s an accident.
Pat calls Mike’s wife, Mary, and says: “Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there’s been an accident down at the Guinness.”
“Saints Preserve us,” says she, “is Mike alright?”
Pat responds, “I’d like to tell ya that, but it’d be a lie!”
“Ya don’t mean that me Mike’s been hurt?” says Mary.
“Sure, an it’s worse than that,” says Pat, “he’s fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!”
“Oh, well” says Mary, “At least it was quick, ya know he couldn’t swim a lick!”
“Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that,” says Pat, “but it’s be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!”
Visiting Hell
There were two best friends ever. One was very religious, the other one not so. One day they got into a car accident and both of them died. The religious one went to heaven and his best friend went to hell.Months passed by, then the one in heaven began to miss his best friend, so he asked God if he could go visit his friend in hell. God said yes, but you can only go for three days and If you are a second late you can’t get back in. He says okay and grabbed whatever he needed for three days and went to visit his friend in hell.A month later while partying all day and night, he knocked on the heaven’s door, God opened the door and told him that he couldn’t get back into heaven because had broken the rule, he said that’s okay, I just came to get the rest of my stuff.
Q: How many Microsoft
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?A: One–but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
Oh the Guilt
After a long sequence of lovemaking, the doctor glanced adoringly at his lady love, who dozed next to him. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pang of guilt.”Relax, Howard,” he told himself. “You�re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.””No,” another inner voice says.., “but, you�re a veterinarian!”
Area 51
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane … only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
Charitable Act
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.He called them into his shop, “I’m sure that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.”And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.”The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”