The last words of a chemist:10. *H* stands for Nitrogen – and that does *not* burn…11. Oh, now I have spilt something…12. First the acid, then the water…
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Luke da homo
Schminkledof was the worst joke ever written and you should be craped on because you do not deserve to live and you like to hump up the rump if you know what im sayin. you remind me of moby and he sux really bad………. until next time
College Smart
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he’s shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them.
The kid says, “Hey, Pop, learned in college there’s an easy way to do everything.”
They go downtown and get some dynamite, they’re gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don’t see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. BaBooom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma.
Ploop!…she lands in the strawberries. They go running up to her, “Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?”
She says, “Yeah, I’m fine. Whoo! I’m certainly glad I didn’t let that one go in the kitchen!”
An elderly lady did her
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four
males sitting in the car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will
if required…so get out of the car!
The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
Small problem: her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car was identical and
parked four or five spaces further down.
She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four very pale
males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman.
No charges were filed.
head nurse
Question-If you go to a hospital how would you know witch one was the head nurse????????Answer- The one with the dirty knees….
The Importance of Not Being Seen
Take OneThe following story was reported some years ago in the Las Vegas Sun: A man approached the cashiers’ cage at Binion’s Horseshoe in downtown Las Vegas, pulled a shotgun and was given an amount of cash. (Note that casino cages are located at the rear of the casino to discourage such activities.)The man tucked his shotgun under a trench coat and started to walk casually out of the casino. He was immediately surrounded by casino guards who walked with him so as not to cause a scene.Evaluating his situation, the man entered the casino and sat down at a card game in progress. He remained seated there for several hands, still surrounded by security personnel. The game continued uninterrupted.Finally, perhaps with the thought of creating escape-aiding confusion, the man upended the table sending cards and chips flying. He was immediately set upon by the card players who had to be restrained by the security guards from killing the interloper.The game resumed shortly thereafter and the thief was taken to the hospital.Take TwoThis story even made the “America’s Dumbest Criminals” book … In Peoria, Illinois, police were called to the scene of a home burglary. It turned out that only one major item was missing — an entire houseful of new wall-to-wall carpet.The officers on the scene had no idea how to track a hot carpet. As they headed outside into the newly fallen snow to look around, they found footprints and a long, scraped trail. The officers followed the trail to a neighbor’s front door. When the police entered the house, they found the stolen carpet recut and laid to fit its new home.The man who lived there insisted that he had purchased the rug, but police showed him his own trail. He was arrested and charged with the crime.
A Prayer
Dear Lord:So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card.However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more of Your help after that.Amen…..
The Rules (by Her)
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.5. The Female is never wrong.6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.8. The Female can change her mind at any time.9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
Animal Quiz
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up
a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No
one raises their hand.
The teacher says “See its long neck? What animal has a long
neck?” Sally holds up her hand and asks, “Is it a giraffe?”
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students
holds up thier hands. “See the stripes on this animal? What
animal has stripes?” Billy holds up his hand and says, “It’s a
zebra.” “Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students
recognized the animal. “See the big antlers on this animal. What
animal has horns like this?” Still no one guesses.
“Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls
your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard!”
Another bar joke
A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. ouch!
Wife’s Operation
I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and “sir do you have a extra $20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000.00. I have $980.00 and just need the last $20.00”
Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.
Well the man replied “No sir… I have money for gambling.”
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.