How do you know if an aboriginal’s riding a motorbike?
You can hear…gin gin giiiiin
Author: admin
Speculation
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from
Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts”, and you put
your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread
to begin with.
When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they’re
cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could
look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, “It’s only a game”, when their team is
winning.
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Se encuentran dos amigos en
Se encuentran dos amigos en un bar y uno le dice al otro:
“Vamos a hacer un negocio, �Cu�nto me das si te vendo a mi suegra?”
El otro responde:
“Por tu suegra, ni un centavo.”
“Okay, trato hecho.”
Hitler On His Death Bed
Hitler is lying on his death bed and he asks his top advisor,
“Why did we lose the war?” His top advisor responds, “Well sir
it was because of all those damned Jewish generals!” Hitler
says, “But there wasn’t a Jewish general anywhere in my ranks.”
The advisor replies, “I know that was the problem. The allies had
them all!”
You know your old when
You know your old when you walk into an antique store
and someone tries to buy you.
10 words that dont exist but should
10 Words That Don’t Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of
confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it,
assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering
for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the
room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the
rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling
the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has
to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if
they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it
up, even when you’re only six inches away.
The Top 14 Names for Hip-Hop Drinks
14> Rum DMC
13> Cuervo Gold Tooth
12> MC Hammered
11> Harvey Gangbanger
10> Singapore Bling
9> 2-Pack Liqueur
8> Sloe Gin Fizzizzle Shanizzle
7> Gin and Chronic
6> Old Dirty Plastered
5> R. Kelley’s Sex on the Playground
4> Notorious V.S.O.P.
3> J.Lo Shots
2> Sex on the Beyotch
1> That Pink Sh*t With the Umbrella an’ Sh*t
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Lettuce
A man goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.”
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks, “Is it serious, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Backwards
What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
She gets her ass chewed.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Knock KnockWho’s there?Luther!Luther who?Luther the
Knock KnockWho’s there?Luther!Luther who?Luther the silver lining!
Three nuns died and went to heaven. Outside…
Three nuns died and went to heaven. Outside the Pearly Gates, St. Peter
said, “I am sorry, I know you are nuns, but before I let you in, I have
to ask you each one question, if you answer correctly, you can enter.”
“That’s all right,” they said.
“Okay,” St. Peter said, he asked the 1st nun “Who was the first man on
Earth?”
The first nun replied, “That’s easy, Adam.”
Bright lights came on the chimes sounded, and the Gates opened. The
first nun entered.
Peter asked the second nun “Who was the first woman on Earth?”
The second nun replied, “That’s easy, Eve.”
Bright lights came on, the chimes souned, and the Gates opened. The
second nun entered.
Peter asked the last nun. “What were the first words that Eve ever said
to Adam?”
The last nun replied. “Oh, that’s hard…..”
Bright lights came on, the chimes souned, and the Gates opened.
Eating with children.
Eating with Children
A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.
All during the sit-down dinner, the host’s three-year-old girl stared at her father’s boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.
He asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, “My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don’t want to miss it!”