Yours Fun Portal !
Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t be made worse by firing the coach.
The wrong pitcher is the one who’s in there now.
A free agent is a contradiction in terms.
Whoever thought up “It’s only a game” probably just lost one.
It is always unlucky to be behind at the end of a game.
The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.
It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose until you lose.
In sports teamwork is essential. It enables you to blame someone else.
An really elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said “yes”.The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal.”Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”
15> Nair — Pelt-Away
14> Old Spice — Eau de Grandpa
13> Dr. Scholl’s Corn Pads — Beats BITING Them Off
12> Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion — Sgt. Zipper’s Lonely Hearts
Club “Hand” Cream
11> Trojan Condoms — SkankSafe
10> Wart-B-Gone — Put Down Those Goddam Toads!
9> FDS — CrotchGuard
8> Preparation H — SitAgin
7> Q-Tips — Jam It In! We Dare Ya!
6> Nyquil — Kid-Booze
5> Cover Girl Makeup – Covers Ugly Girls Makeup
4> Tampax — Suck It Up, Missy!
3> Tom’s of Maine — Gee, Your Teeth Smell Like Pete Moss!
2> K-Y Jelly — J-O Jelly
1> Chanel No. 5 — Catbox No. 2
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness
Yo momma is so fat her belt size is the equator.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Thatcher!Thatcher who?Thatcher could get away with it!
tom: hey baby, ya wanna suck me down there?
sarah: sorry, i choke on small objects!
Q. Santa Claus, a smart blonde, and a brunette made a bet as to who would hit the ground first if they all jumped off a bridge at the same time. Who do you think hit first?
A. The brunette won because the other two people are fictional.
The Spelling Bee…Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a
spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three
who knew that ‘harass’ was one word.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?A: Because Clinton “invested” all the turkey.
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one
said to the other, ”How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 72 years old, how do
you honestly feel?”
”Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I
just wet myself.”
The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours.
– Deuteronomy 21
15. Find a prostitute and marry her.
– Hosea (Hosea 1)
14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock..
– Moses (Exodus 2)
13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
– Boaz (Ruth 4)
12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
– Benjaminites (Judges 21)
11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
– Adam (Genesis 2)
10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
– Jacob (Genesis 29)
9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
– David (1 Samuel somewhere)
8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative off course.)
– Cain (Genesis 4)
7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
– Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)
6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a …woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”
– Samson (Judges 14)
5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). – David (2 Samuel 9)
4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law).
– Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
3. Don’t be so picky. Make for quality with quantity.
– Solomon (1 Kings 11)
2. A wife?…NOT!!!
– Paul (I Corinthians 7)
1. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people.
– Jesus (Revelation 15?)