You tell her that theres a “scratch and snif” sticker on the bottom of the pool
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30 Things to do on an exam when you know that you are going to fail it anyway
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions a loud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking. “Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and runoff.
6. 15 min. into the exam, standup, rip up all the papers in to very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bath robe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Turret’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. standup, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream and walkout triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, any thing you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
24. Masturbate.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
Courtroom Chaos
A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, “Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?”
The judge’s face went red and he roared, “It most certainly would not! I’d add another two years onto your sentence!”
The defendant nodded and then asked, “Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?”
The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, “Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.”
The defendant smiled and said, “Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!”
santa claus
Do you know why Santa Claus does not have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and that’s down a chimmey.
How To Kill a Blonde
How do you kill a blonde? Drop a m&m off the top of Warsington monument and he/she will dive after it.
Laugh on Friday
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
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A: Tell her a joke on Monday.
The cucumber and the tomato
There’s this cucumber that’s dating this tomato.
the tomato says to the cucumber; “i don’t really like you.”
so the cucumber replies; “that’s ok, ‘cuz you’re not my type!”
*note-this joke works especially well on irritating telephone solicitors*
Blond and crocodile shoes!
A blonde walks into a shoe shop looking for some crocodile shoes
at rediculous prices.
The blonde eyes a pair and waves for the
manager of the shop to come over.”I want these shoes for half
price,” she said flatly.”I’m sorry madam, but there are no sales
on today,” said the manager.”well fine,”she said.”Ill go and get
my own pair.” And she took off with a “HUMPH!”
The manager was
driving home that afternoon and saw the blonde in Lake
Crocodile. She was standing there with a rifle in her hand, her
dress rolled up, and at least 15 crocks lined up on the side. He
got out and sttod next to his car to catch the blonde firing the
rifle madly.
Suddenly, she dragged a huge crock out of the
water. She put it on the bank, turned it over and screamed out
in fury.”THIS ONE ISNT WEARING SHOES EITHER!”
NE NOR
HOW DO YOU FIT 5 DONKEYS IN A FIRE ENGIN?
2 IN THE FRONT 2 IN THE BACK AND ONE ON THE TOP SAYING NE NORRRR
The TASTY penis
one day there was a man that visited this hotel in some
place. he said to tell counter teller, “can I have the keys
to the first floor and can I have a jar of pickles to eat.” ok
said the teller. “but you have to eat the pickles out on
your window platform.” ok said the man.
the next day, another man came into the hotel and asked
the teller, “can i have the keys to the second floor and
can i have a pair of siccors because i like to cut hair.” ok
said the teller. “but you have to cut hair on the
window platform.” ok said the man.
the next day, another man came into the hotel and asked
the teller, “can i have the keys to the third floor and
can i have bottle of glue. i like to glue stuff together.” ok
said the teller. “but you have to glue your stuff out on
the window platform.” ok said the man.
the next day, another man came into the hotel and asked
the teller, “can i have the keys to the fourth floor
and can i have a can of green paint. i am going to paint my
things green. that’s my favorite color.” ok said the teller.
“but you have to paint your things out on the window platform.
ok said the man.
the next day, another man came into the hotel and asked
the teller, “can i have the keys to the fifth floor
and can i have a butcher’s knife because i like to cut meet.”
ok said the teller. “but you have to cut your meat out
on the window platform.” ok said the man.
the next day, everyone was doing there thing out one the
window platform. the butcher was cutting meat when
accidental he cut of his man hood. it fell off his window
plantform and landed on the platform under his. that was
the green paint. it fell in the paint and fell on the platform
under the paint platform. so it fell in a little puddle of glue.
after that, the penis fell on to the window platform. that was
all the hair. after the penis fell into a pile of hair, the
penis fell onto
the next platform. which was the jar of pickles. right after
the penis fell into the jar of pickles, the man that slept
on that floor took the jar of pickles and picked out a pickle.
unfortenatly, the pickle the man picked out was not a pickle at
all.
the man did not know that. so when he picked out the fake
pickle, he bit it. and then he ate the whole thing.
still and forever, he did not know the pickle he picked out of
the pickle jar was a penis. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should…
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve
both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss Sports Update
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
c) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell here that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem – she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. Your think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone…”
c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re still
a little confused.
If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.
A man’s desires
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.
In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a
girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about
anything.
So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
She was so ambitious; she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.