Author: admin

Baptizing the Drunk!

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A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher, I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked. “Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?” “Noooo, I have not, Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher… “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Bush Seeks Answers On Iraq From ‘Jeopardy’ Champion

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Game Show Set Recreated in White House Basement

President George W. Bush has sought answers on Iraq from Ken Jennings, the champion of the popular game show “Jeopardy,” White House aides confirmed today.

Mr. Bush first came to believe that Mr. Jennings might have the answers on Iraq when he saw the game-show whiz on television earlier this summer, telling aides, “That there is the smartest man in the world.”

After contacting Mr. Jennings, White House aides began constructing a mock-up of the “Jeopardy!” set in the basement of the White House and enlisted “Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek to reprise his usual role.

Instead of the usual potpourri of “Jeopardy!” questions, however, the special White House edition had only categories that pertained to the crisis in Iraq, such as “ANGRY SHIITES,” “RUPTURED OIL PIPELINES,” and “MASSIVE POWER OUTAGES.”

According to those who saw Mr. Jennings play the special Iraqi version, the champ breezed through most of the questions but was stumped when he got to “EXIT STRATEGIES” for $100.

“The most likely outcome of the war in Iraq, this should happen by the end of 2005,” Mr. Trebek read.

“What is civil war and total chaos?” Mr. Jennings guessed.

“No, I’m sorry,” Mr. Trebek replied. “The correct question is, ‘What is a thriving Middle Eastern democracy and a beacon of hope for the entire region?'”

Mr. Bush, disappointed by Mr. Jennings’ performance, reportedly told aides, “Ken Jennings may be the smartest man in the world but when it comes to Iraq he’s as dumb as a post.”

Elsewhere, in yet another embarrassment for CBS, the network today acknowledged that “not everyone” loves Raymond.

8 Clinton Q&A’s

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Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill’s definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: “Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Kid in Dallas

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A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, “Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs.”

She said that if he didn’t start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little furtyher along, they saw some more cowboys. “Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!” he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys. “Hark!” he said, “What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?”

Quotes on Politics

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“Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news–they may
have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a
camel.”
– David Letterman
***
“The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the
people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It
thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress
dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension,
the truth becomes the greatest enemy of the State.”
– Joseph M. Goebbels
***

Blondes do their best

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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table rupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child’s puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?”
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2 – 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”

It was the other Drunk!

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Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. one is crying. the other asks
what’s wrong. the crying drunk says, “i’ve puked all over myself again and my
wife’s gonna kill me. what do i do pal?”

The one drunk offers this advice: “explain to your wife that some other drunk
puked on you. put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk
was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned.”

“Sound like a great idea,” says the crying drunk.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him
about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, “look for you, there’s ten bucks
in my pocket.”

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. “wait a minute, i
thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you,” says the wife.

“He did,” say the drunk, “but he s*** in my pants too!”