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A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.
As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, “That’s very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn’t you learn any manners! Where did you come from?”
The man looked up helplessly and said, “The balcony!”
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn’t tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
A mermaid walked out of the sea carrying an infant. She approached the people
on the beach and said, “Can you please tell me how to find a diver by the name
of Jerry?”
yo mumma so fat, she got run ova by a parked car
Why does a blonde only change diaper on her baby once a month?
….
Because it says good for up to 20 pounds
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis. “The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says.”Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!” says the pro.
The limousine was taking a beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, “Driver, I don’t have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?”
The driver said, “Sure.”
He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn’t get the wheel cover off.
The model saw him struggling and asked, “Do you want a screwdriver?”
He said, “Sure! But, first I have to change this tire.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg
Why don’t women have any brains?
Because they don’t have any testicles to put them in.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Why is Superman afraid of [ethnic] people more than Lex Luther?
Lex Luther will steal his identity. [Ethnic] people will steal his identity
and his costume.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.
“Do you know what I?m doing?” he asks.
“Yes,” she replies. “You?re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.”
“That?s right,” says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I?m doing now?”
“You?re checking for any lumps or breast cancer,” she replies.
“Correct,” says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. “Do you know what I?m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You?re getting herpes?which is why I came here in the first place.”
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.